Someone Will Love Me

I haven’t been in a true romantic relationship since August 2022. Even though I made the decision to end this relationship, it’s still haunting me almost four years later. He had been my first boyfriend and my first everything. 

“What if I had stayed?”

That question has haunted me for roughly 960 days. Even though it’s such a delusional and cringey way of thinking, it’s still swirling in the back of my mind and pokes to the surface on those lonely nights where the only sound is the rain hitting the pavement and there’s a chill in the air. 

This isn’t an “I miss him. I want him back” storyline. The question of “what if I had stayed” stems from the fact that if I hadn’t left him, I’d still be a girlfriend to someone. 

I am a girlfriend-girl. My dream is to have someone who will support me, make me laugh when I want to cry, and, most importantly, love me. 

Here’s the thing about that: I’m slowly giving up. Giving up is a dramatic term, but it’s true. Over the past several months, I have had nothing but poor luck with men who could have been potential partners. I’ve been stood up, ghosted, and led on more than I can count in the last few months.

“Am I the problem?”

The most recent spout of bad luck shook me to my core. I’m not going to air out my dirty laundry here, but I didn’t like something, and he decided to end it. The reasoning wasn’t a valid reason, but it happened, and I feel stuck. 

What if I don’t find a partner because I express my feelings too much? I know I joke about never marrying and owning six chocolate labs, but will it come true? 

Wait, we’re going down a dark path here that’s hard to get out of. 

Since the last spout, I have realized that the right person will come in time. I think I’m so hard on myself because I’m surrounded by romantic relationships. Three of my roommates have partners, and a lot of my friends do as well. Even when I’m out in Allegany on weekends, I am still surrounded by relationships.

I know my friends are starting to feel the impacts of my loneliness. I am told by a lot of people that “we need to find you a boyfriend.” As much as it’s true, it’s eye-opening. 

I’m putting so much effort into finding a partner that it’s ruining other people’s perceptions of me. They can only associate me with them having to be a matchmaker. That’s not what I want. 

I do want someone to love me.

I do want a relationship. 

What I don’t want is for that to be my whole personality. 

Someone will love me someday. For now, I have to focus on the love I’m already receiving from my friends and family.

• college
• love
• relationships