This is an article I have been waiting to write for a long time, but as the month meant to honor women comes to an end, it felt like the perfect time.
I used to be an Irish dancer. I absolutely loved it. When I was dancing across the room with my hair in the traditional curls and my ghillies tied tight around my feet, it was some of the happiest moments of my life. However, like most things, it required a great deal of focus. Keeping your arms locked back to give the illusion nothing but your feet dared to move, keeping the complicated steps in line with the music that would be slightly different every time, counting to the music to keep time and most importantly not colliding with the other dancers on stage.
This focus meant it was possible that while dancing I might not be smiling. However, when I started competing my dance teacher said we had to focus on our smiles. She said if it came down to two dancers for first place, the judges would likely go with the dancer who had the better smile. Ten-year-old me wanted that gold medal. In my first competition, I pasted the cheesiest smile on my face. It worked; I won. I won over other girls that did not smile.
At the time I felt great about it. I felt like I had cheated the system. Fake it till you make it. The dancing is only partially as important to winning as making sure the judges think you look happy to be there.
Well in the words of Simone Biles, “Smiling doesn’t win you gold medals.”
Ten years later, I realize how ridiculous that experience was. Smiling should have had nothing to do with my performance. It was one thing for recitals or when we would perform at schools and nursing homes and wanted the people we were performing for to know we were happy to be there with them. But competition was supposed to be about assessing our technical ability to perform a dance. Smiling should have had nothing to do with it. I suspect that for the male dancers, it would not have been.
I have a resting bitch face. I fully acknowledge that. It is somthing I quite like about myself. While the name implies something negative, my resting face only looks bitchy because that is how society chooses to interpret the face of a woman that doesn’t have a smile pasted on, or at least gives the impression that they are in the middle of daydreaming about puppies frolicking through a field of daisies (that actually sounds like a really lovely daydream, but not my point).
I think that what is considered to be an RBF on a woman, would simply be considered a neutral face on a man.
I like that I have an RBF because it means that when I am happy, it is obvious that I am happy. I save my smile to act as an authentic expression of joy. Also while the name suggests it might make me look a little angry; I can assure you if I am actually angry, you will know.
While this is an aspect of myself I am more than ok with, others are not. The number of times I have had someone ask me, “Are you ok?” or, “Why did you look angry?” when I have just been thinking or focused is infuriating. Every time I want to scream: It’s just my face! Like I said if I am actually angry or upset, you will know.
So, why is this a problem, other than the fact that I simply find it annoying?
It is a problem because a man with RBF is standard. A woman with RBF is unlikeable. Maybe not to everyone. But how many times have you heard someone say a woman looked mean or unlikeable? For a man to have this said about him it would likely be because he actively looked unhappy. For a woman, it might just be the absence of a smile.
I will never forget talking to a male relative about Kamala Harris. He was talking about not liking her. While I personally am a fan, I respect when people have legitimate reasons for disliking politicians. However, the reason I got was, “She just has this look on her face. She always looks angry.” I have heard the same thing said about Hillary Clinton and countless other women in politics and business.
I have never heard it said about a man.
There is a lot more I could say on this, but as I watch my word count begin to surpass a length that I would be willing to read, I will get to my point.
Ladies, first of all, let me say you should feel free to smile whenever you want. If a smile is the resting state of your face or you simply like to smile a lot, that’s great. Don’t let anyone tell you to stop.
But for those of you who don’t smile, do not let anyone tell you that you have to. Keep your smile as your most authentic expression of joy and do not let it become something you feel obligated to plaster on your face.
Because again, in the words of Simone Biles, “Smiles don’t win gold medals.”