For the past two weeks, I haven’t had a car. It wouldn’t be too big of a deal, but I commute to school. A 10-minute drive isn’t too bad, until suddenly you’re sitting down on Sunday nights making a ride schedule with your mom to make sure you get to class on time, and then almost being late because she forgot when your class was.
It’s nice, in a way, to have extra time with my parents. Those few minutes in the car give us a chance to catch up without getting distracted by something that needs to be done around the house. I’m incredibly aware that I won’t be living with them forever, and I’m trying to treasure the time I have with them.
But, oh my God, I hate having to rely on them to go anywhere. I don’t live in town; I can’t safely walk anywhere from my house. If I need something from the store, I’d better hope they need something too. I’m constantly waiting by the door, worried that I’ll be late for work or class, or wandering campus for a half hour, waiting to go home after a long day.
This isn’t anywhere close to our first time having this sort of arrangement. Of course, this is what life was like before I had my license. But after I got my license, there were long stretches where I couldn’t drive. Between my brain deciding it didn’t want to work, and then my car making the same choice, for nearly two years since then, I always needed a ride.
Having such long periods of needing to rely on someone else for transportation has made me anxious about relying on people for other things. Does someone else need to do their part of the project before I can do mine? I won’t stop spiraling until they do it. Dr. Palmer told me he’d meet with someone about a different project. It’s been over two months, and I’m shocked I haven’t broken out in hives.
I have around another week before I can drive myself. It makes me feel childish, needing a ride from my mom or dad. Part of me will miss the time in the car with them, but I know I will be so relieved when I’m behind the wheel. As a bonus, my car will run like it should! My transmission hasn’t been working right for a year, so I haven’t been able to drive further than Bona’s. I can’t wait to drive to the Cider Mill.
I try not to lean on other people too much because of this anxiousness. But it’s hard to be completely self-reliant. Normally, I can find a balance, but right now, waiting until I can go where I want to when I want to, I’m thinking about it a lot more. I can’t help but feel like an inconvenience when I need something that I can’t do myself. Reminding myself it’s not my fault can only take me so far. Relying on others isn’t bad, but it can be hard to do.