I think the holiday season has two sides for everyone, it’s full of joy and cheer, but can also be a brutal check of reality.
My mom never failed to make sure that one gift I begged Santa for was under the tree, and always made sure that he took the bag of reindeer food I made for him back to his sleigh.
I didn’t realize it then, but as I’ve gotten older, I understand why my mom always went the extra mile and never failed to make any holiday anything short of amazing.
I have so many fond memories of growing up alongside my cousins, Christmas Eve spent at my uncle’s, and overly competitive easter egg hunts in my nana’s backyard.
Over time, I’ve learned that the memories I hold so close to my heart are not quite as perfect as I envisioned them.
Each holiday spent with my family as a child was one step closer to all hell breaking loose.
The reality is our picture-perfect family’s holiday was just a playing field for screaming matches, physical altercations, and ruined relationships. The magic my mom brought to the holiday was her trying to make up for what she knew no one else in are family was willing to give.
Growing up, my family made the holidays special and worth celebrating. It’s hard not to be angry and upset this time of year because I now seem to lack a sense of what family even is, yet in my mind, that’s what the holiday season is about.
I’m slowly learning that family doesn’t have a constant definition, which actually turns out to be a beautiful thing.
Despite the pain the people whom I am blood related to caused, they also brought me great joy, and even through their mistakes, they helped me to know what it is I want out of my family, and who it is I want to be in someone else’s.
The holidays are tough; it’s easy to feel alone when I remember what my holidays once were, but one step at a time, I’m slowly rebuilding my definition of family.
I’m lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life who seem more like family than friends.
This holiday season, I’m focusing on my moments spent with them. Holiday coffee drinks, driving around looking at Christmas lights, and our mini friends-givings are little things that have seemed to start to heal my holiday spirit.
Although part of me will always wonder how my holidays could have been, the other part of me sees the beauty in redefining family and knows that today’s little things will lead to memories that last a lifetime and people whom I consider family, which will make the holiday season once again full of joy.