I carry quite a few things with me daily. Whether it be in my black school bag on my back, or my red purse that adorns my shoulder. A collection of belongings I have accumulated throughout the years joins my everyday life; quite an eclectic bunch.
One of these things is a green, leather-bound Leuchtturm 1917 notebook. Although it bears a very minimal physical weight, it has been a dumping zone for years worth of emotional weight. Thus, giving it the utmost importance out of all my daily belongings. It is important to note I carry this item with me practically every day. The thought of not having it with me at any given moment is scary (if we are being honest). What would one do with haphazard, incoherent bits of thoughts otherwise?
I can still recall the day I picked out this little green notebook. For writing nerds and those interested in prose, picking out a new notebook is like picking out a new puppy. Each option is put out in front of you. Which will call out to your soul?
While perusing the shelves of the Barnes and Noble I happened to be at, my eye was caught by a little notebook. It was green, with a sage-like hue. Green is my favorite color. I did not intend to buy another notebook that day, but as I picked it up off the shelf, something inside of me lit up. I skimmed through the cream-colored pages, ran my fingers over the beautiful stitching of the binding, examined the gorgeous leather cover (did I mention that it was the most gorgeous shade of green?), and that was that. I was going to buy the notebook.
Now it was time to decide what to do with this new purchase. As all owners of fresh, new notebooks do, I had a bit of an existential crisis. Do I use it for journaling? For notetaking? Grocery lists? Drawing? Budgeting??? Then it hit me. This is my new notebook, and I shall do as I please with it. It will be a collection of all things. It has been since that day.
This notebook has been used for many trivial purposes. Those such as various to-do lists, quotes I have heard, and ideas I have toyed with; it would be a shame if any were forgotten. Often, I find myself whipping out the notebook when I unexpectedly think of a phrase or sequence of words I would like to add to a writing piece. This is a ritual that is kept light-hearted. These are the mundane, everyday aspects of this journal. They do not contribute much to the overall weight (metaphorically speaking), but are important, nonetheless. They are the structure and bones that keep the notebook going. The cornerstone, if you will.
That said, this book has also seen many of the more unpleasant sides of myself that I prefer to keep locked away. Like a junk-drawer collection of the worst emotions. Because of this, the notebook is immensely heavy. It is where I go to drop the baggage off when it becomes just too much to carry. I find that it is like a confidante that never answers back. It never gives unsolicited advice either, which is pretty nice.
This notebook bears the weight of my life, shortly after my grandmother passed – the heaviest thing it has ever been tasked with carrying. The soul-crushing weight of knowing that my family will never be as it was. It hurts. This little green notebook is where I turned during this time to process these big, negative emotions that I was faced with.
Although the writing itself bears no extra weight to the notebook, the emotional weight of its contents far exceeds its physical weight. That is why I love this notebook and why I carry it with me every day. Moreso, that is why I love the freedom this notebook gives me. It allows me to let down my walls and write. To write about the things that hurt me, trouble me and the pensive thoughts that I cannot quite seem to figure out. It gives me the chance to put down the burdensome baggage that is not always easy to carry – no matter how hard I try to make it look unexacting. It allows me to lift the metaphorical bricks from my chest; to breathe a little easier.
With that, my goal of writing this piece is to entice everyone to find their own “little green notebook.” Professional writer or not, I have found an immense sense of peace in being able to journal and process through some of the harder emotions in life. It has given me a space to just be me. For that, I am so thankful.