I am a planner; every aspect of my life I have planned out down to the minute.
I love a schedule, and I love routine. I hate forgetting things, so the 4 planners I keep make it so I never do.
Except when it comes to relationships, you can’t plan those. They come with time, ease, and you have to just go with the flow.
I am NOT a go with the flow type of girl. I hate going with the flow; it adds to the feeling of being lost and only heightens my stress levels. Because when you go with the flow, you don’t know the outcome, and I need to know the outcome if I am going to pursue something—I’m clearly an overthinker if you couldn’t tell.
When I say relationships, I’m not just talking about the dating scene; I also mean friendships. It’s so difficult to build a connection with someone when you like to plan every step of the way.
You can’t force bonds with someone; they will naturally grow with time. But I don’t like taking that time to let things happen on their own accord.
I read The Black Prince by Iris Murdoch for class and there was one quote that really stuck out to me:
“The moment I longed for and dreaded would come at its natural time, and its natural time would be tonight.”
Now, in this scene, the character is talking about having sex with his partner, and I hate him for saying this. When something is meant to happen naturally, you can’t plan it. As much as I wish you could, I at least understand you can’t, and I don’t try to force things that I know cannot be forced. Â
Natural occurrences are all about going with the flow; they happen on their own when it is the right time.
But I want to know when that right time is, because in the meantime, how am I supposed to act?
How does one even go with the flow and let something happen when it is meant to? It leaves so much up in the air for ruin because I can’t meticulously create a plan of action.
Every conversation, action, moment, I wish I could perfectly curate in my head in advance, so I know what to expect. I mean, I can try, but things always seem to go completely differently than I expected, and then I am left lost again on what to expect next.
Did I say or do the right thing? How is what happened going to affect the outcome of things? You can’t plan it all and sometimes you’re going to be left disappointed, unsatisfied, or even hurt in the end.
I guess maybe I could plan for handling the outcome rather than trying to plan every little aspect that leads to it. And then it won’t be so hard to handle when it happens.
I don’t know, though. I don’t think I could ever be one of those girls who can go with the flow. I’m okay with that, though. I like my planners, I like my routine, and I like my schedule. I would change nothing about it.
But sometimes I do wish I could just go with the flow.