I have always felt older than my age.
Maybe that comes with being the oldest child or missing out on moments from the COVID-19 years, but this feeling is not new to me.
This year, my senior year, I have felt my oldest.
It is a tale as old as time that senior year is the year when you realize it was all dreamy and wonderful, but the carefree part of your life is over.
I know that what I am feeling is some of that, but for some reason, I cannot get over this.
It hit me this past weekend. It was family weekend at St. Bonaventure and my mom came down to visit. My mom is a single mom and I have two younger siblings, so she has never really been able to come and enjoy family weekend with me.
When my mom was here we had such an amazing time. It was so cool to have been with her in my environment for most likely the first and only time I would experience it.
When she left on Sunday, I felt a wave of grief. I felt like I had just lived a moment that I would never get again.
And that is how it works, I know, that the moments pass you by but to think that soon I will not be able to relive a version of that moment again is saddening.
I have never actually dreaded getting older either. I am excited to go through the milestones of my life and I always have been. Even at some points, I think I was too excited that I wished much of my youth away.
Maybe that is it, that I wished so much away, I want it back. Or I want it back to experience what I had before, and now I cannot remember it.
It is a melancholy feeling. Overall, I wonder if it is extremely common for other people as well.
I wonder if everyone has the feeling of being old, maybe there is some sense of unity in that.
I hate to even bring this feeling to the forefront of my brain because I do not yet have a solution or navigation for how to deal with it.
It is a part of life I feel, but I wonder at what measurement does it start taking control of your brain.
I feel like this is a feeling that I will have to sit with for a while and let come over me. I cannot rush it or subside it. I need to let it run its course and continue to reiterate that it is all a part of having a human life.
I am still me, enjoying my life and my moments.
The best I can do is feel it all.