To live in the grey area can be confusing. I’ve been stuck there since I was a fifteen-year-old girl, sick and tired of depriving my body of food, yet unable to make peace with my body as is. I’ve gone from undereating to overeating to exercising religiously to finally living a “balanced” lifestyle. That’s where I am now, balanced (from the outside perspective, that is). Because while everything seems good on the outside, I’m always internally conflicted.
I’m now an eighteen-year-old girl battling against myself, fighting the same thoughts every day. The truth is that I’m probably meaner to myself than anyone else could ever even have the chance to be. Every morning starts off with an evaluation of my appearance. Am I looking better or worse than the day before? This goes on to determine what I tell myself I do or don’t deserve that day. This one glance in the mirror makes my decisions for me. How hard I’ll be hitting the gym, how revealing my clothes will be, what kinds of foods I’ll eat. It’s quite exhausting, honestly.
Does anyone else notice these slight differences in my appearance? No. Are they even there at all? It’s hard to say. Once I make up my mind about my appearance, it’s extremely difficult to change.
I’ve tried to write about this topic multiple times, and each time I try I end up changing my mind, feeling too vulnerable in the confession of my true feelings. While I know that so many girls struggle with body image and eating disorders, I’ve always found it so difficult to verbalize due to the foreign grey area that I live in.
I desperately want to be a healthy person. I want to eat whole foods and exercise and be toned, which are all great things. This is what people tend to see from the outside perspective. A girl who eats healthy and makes it a priority to hit the gym. It’s true that my healthy habits have helped me make physically healthy lifestyle changes, yet the mental burden of it all is almost too much to bear.
You’re supposed to work out because you love your body, but my motivation continues to be my strong dislike for mine. The same goes for eating healthy. I’ve grown to love eating whole foods, but my reasoning for it was never because it was enjoyable, but rather that I hoped it was going to help me achieve my dream body. I have this fear of food, believing that some foods are “bad” and will ruin my appearance, meanwhile other things might help to enhance it.
At the end of the day, so many girls are silently fighting this same internal battle with themselves, and I just want you all to know that my heart goes out to each and every one of you. We all deserve better than what we’ve made ourselves believe, and even though talking about it really hits a nerve for me, my hope is that at least one person can find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.