**BEWARE this article contains spoilers about the “A Court of Thorns and Roses” (ACOTAR) series, specifically the most recent installation, “A Court of Silver Flames” (ACOSF), by Sarah J. Maas (my literal hero).Â
This is your last chance to turn back. Please, I beg of you, read the whole series before reading this article, lest you do yourself a major disservice.Â
Okay, Iâm starting now.
Dearest reader, if you have found yourself this far, it means you have witnessed the exquisite genius that is the world-building, character-developing, and plot-telling of Sarah J. Maas, the author of the ACOTAR novels, the “Crescent City” series (which I have yet to read, but is next on my very-lengthy TBR), and the “Throne of Glass” (TOG) series (of which I am on my sixth book, “Empire of Storms” â guys⊠there are no words to describe the inner turmoil I am experiencing. This is an official notice to emotionally ready yourself for the last 200 pages of any Sarah J. Maas novel).Â
Anyways, despite your being here, I would wager that the majority of you are not fans of Nesta Archeron, the eldest of the three Archeron sisters. I would even go so far as to say that ACOSF was likely your least favorite of the ACOTAR series. And I wouldnât blame you. Parting with the first-person POVs of our beloved Feyre and Rhysand was a trauma in itself, and being replaced by someone as unlikeable as Nesta Archeron was salt in the wound.Â
I felt this initial pain as sharply as the rest of you. The betrayal of my sister, who hadnât deigned to inform me that the first three novels would be their own sort of trilogy, was almost unforgivable. I devoured those first three books, and not once did she tell me to savor every word of it.Â
But as I begrudgingly peeled open the tangerine cover of ACOSF, my expectations buried in the molten outer core of the Earth, my roaming eyes snagged on the dedication page:
âFor every Nesta out thereâclimb the mountainâ
âAnd for Josh, Taran, and Annie, who are the reason I keep climbing my ownâ
My suspicion lingered, but I just kept coming back to that dedication page: â…Who are the reason I keep climbing my own.â Could Sarah J. Maas really be a self-proclaimed Nesta? Not the feminine heroine of the first three novels with an epic story of love and strength and adventure, but Nesta, the spiteful, bitter and selfish human-turned-Fae-turned-alcoholic?Â
I have never felt as closed-minded in my entire life as I did reflecting on that moment after finishing the entirety of the novel. I have never in my life felt so naive and ignorant at the complexity of a character, specifically a trauma-endured woman. Iâm an English major, gosh darn it! Iâm trained to read between the lines, to interpret the complexities of the statements and actions of characters, to open my eyes to new perspectives. I surprised myself with the inadequacy of my reading skills across the previous three books and the novella.Â
And what else surprised me?
How much of Nesta I saw in myself.Â
As I was scrolling through BookTok (a multi-daily occurrence for anyone with a reading obsession like mine), I stumbled across a quote from “A Court of Mist and Fury” (ACOMAF):Â
ââNesta is different from most people,â I explained. âShe comes across as rigid and vicious, but I think itâs a wall. A shieldâŠ. I think Nesta feels everythingâsees too much; sees and feels it all. And she burns with it.ââ (ACOMAF p. 559).Â
When I first began my ACOTAR journey last August, my sister said that I reminded her of Elain. Sweet Elain, a small, delicate flower between Nestaâs raging fire and Feyreâs night sky. And I think in many aspects I am an Elain: I grew up being told I was too nice for my own good. I have such a great capacity for love that my heart often canât take not being able to pour it into the right people. When a Buzzfeed quiz asks how my friends would describe me, I have always selected âKind.â And I forgive and give out second- and third- and umpteenth-chances like candy.
And in a way, I think all these habits have often caused me to be overlooked and underestimated â by friends, by love interests, by family, overlooked like Elain, who Iâve seen described as âuselessâ and âpassive,â âmeekâ and âdullâ by the very fandom I find community in. Yet my heart soared to be compared to Elain. Elain is beautiful inside and out. She is loving, caring and nurturing. And she was never overlooked by Azriel, the other side to her misunderstood coin (TOG reference).Â
But that ACOMAF quote haunted me day and night, especially after finishing ACOSF: ââI think Nesta feels everythingâsees too much; sees and feels it all. And she burns with it.ââ Sometimes I think knowledge is a burden. A power to be sure, but also, most definitely, a great burden. Sometimes I feel plagued by the things I know. The secrets whispered in my ears, the things I didnât mean to overhear. They come to the forefront of my mind practically against my will, and I cannot help but feel their weight. I feel everything so deeply and sometimes, under the right conditions (usually stress will do the trick), my heart festers. I wouldn’t say that I am an inherently angry person. But again, under the right circumstances… I can feel the beast within, the Nesta inside of me, who’s blood boils with the anger of injustice and the anger at oneself.
Thereâs a common Booktok saying that I stumble across every once in a while, usually when looking up ACOSF-related things: If you like Nesta Archeron, you either are a Nesta Archeron, or you love a Nesta Archeron.Â
Iâve never felt more seen through a book character than I felt through Nestaâs struggle to find self-love. She feels the weight of the world upon her shoulders and takes on the burden alone because she feels she deserves it. But little by little, through her own training and the companionship of new friends, her internal flames are tamed and her heart opens.Â
I think, deep down inside, in a place I usually do not allow the eyes of others to see, I am a Nesta.
And to all the Nesta Archerons out there, I see you, too.Â