The Backstory
In the last couple of years and even more so in the last few months, a great deal of buzz and
commentary has surfaced around the topic of a woman needing a man. Men from all walks of life are
chiming in on the topic, the majority saying that it is a turn-off when a woman says this. Women seem to
be pretty split, many doubling down on the phrase and other women saying proudly saying, YES I need a
man! That is certainly all well and good, but the conversation often turns ugly because those that feel
that women shouldn’t say this, start to make presumptions about the type of women that are saying it.
Some even go as far as to say that this woman is the type of woman that likes to emasculate men or will
always be single because she doesn’t know how to not be independent and rely on someone else. I
wanted to provide a more elaborate perspective from someone of the stance, but I don’t need a man.
My background is that I am I single, non-traditional college student, born and raised in the South, and
fairly liberal.
What most women mean by this
All women, at our core, see the usefulness of a man in our life in any capacity. Whether it’s something
simple as carrying some heavy boxes, walking us to our car when it’s dark and late at night, defending us
or protecting us when someone stronger that is us trying to attack us, or even the larger picture items like
balancing out our femininity, providing wisdom in an area that is their expertise, or even owning the king
in them and providing leadership. However, most women just simply don’t have the luxury to count on
having the things that most women need or want out of a man on a consistent basis. So, when most
women say they don’t need a man, they mean they have successfully figured out how to thrive, survive
and take care of the things that life requires of them, without that assistance and support from a male
figure, partner or boyfriend.
For women like myself that have not had a husband, fiancé, or serious boyfriend for most of my adult life,
if I could only exist and maintain with the assistance of men, who would mean I’ve been walking around
in deficit for many years. For women like myself, thank goodness I don’t “need a man,” otherwise I
would have been in trouble for many years now and always suffering, walking around in lack and
walking around unable to live since I could only need a man to do so. If a man came along, he would be
a cherry on top but not my source of survival.
It is a blessing to be able to provide for yourself, give support to yourself, and even protect and defend
yourself.
Most women would love and enjoy the genuine, consistent, authentic, and unconditional support of a
man in any or at least one area of life whether it be financial, moral, emotional, etc… But to need a
woman to say that need it when they have been able to figure out a successful life without it is not only
unrealistic, but it reeks of a desire of the ego to be stroked and also reeks of confusion as well. Instead of
bashing her, people should be applauding her. It should be a relief to a man because he knows, he is
gaining a partner, not a child or liability that can’t make it without him. She is an asset that can hold him
down if necessary, step up for the family if necessary and enhance his life (and he for her of course).
What most men are hearing
Most men that don’t like women saying this, are hearing instead of “I don’t need you,” the woman I’m
saying “I don’t want you.” Most men are feeling that she’s going to be mean and not soft and she’s going
to be requiring an unreasonable level of being impressed by me. It’s like they feel like they’re not being
accepted, just by hearing that phrase. For some reason there is this stigma or taboo over that phrase
and when men hear it is a turn-off and I think it is a case of generalizations. Exceptions to the rule
become the rule. I don’t think I need a man but I’m also not going to meet him and say that. It’s just
going to be seen as he gets to know me and learn about what I have accomplished before him and
without him. However, women that say that maliciously, are grouped in with women like me, because
we both feel that way but have different intentions behind it. And it’s funny because men do not want
to be punished for what happened with the guy before them, but they often do the same to women.
The other layer of confusion with this is, that men also shun a woman that they need to provide for and start
paying her bills as soon as they meet her or start dating her, and then she is seen as a gold digger. So,
they want her to not get everything she needs from him and have her own, but they want her to also
say she needs him. That is very much a mixed message.
Is it possible to be both?
I think it is possible to know how to live without needing a man but come to a place where you do need
one. I think a single woman saying she doesn’t need a man is a huge difference from a married one or a
long-term committed partner saying that. When you build a life with someone, you find spaces that you
didn’t even know you needed filling, or you create spaces in the partnership that they fill. You develop
roles and you trust them to fill them while you fill the others. And from that point on, you need them to fill it,
and if they don’t, you will be in lack. You enjoy being able not to have to do everything. You enjoy having
someone to depend on and you get used to depending on them. There are things that they do for you
emotionally, or even financially that, you get accustomed to needing. And if you are in a committed
relationship there’s nothing wrong with needing what they give. If God sent you that person, then God
sent them as a blessing and to give you things that you need. However, if they leave your life, I also
believe that God will send someone else that can fill that need or give you the strength and grace so
now be able to take care of that need for yourself. Because He has made all of us strong and at the end
of the day, we don’t ultimately need another human. We just need our faith in God or for those that are
not religious, your faith in yourself.