Today has been a long day. I have been tested in my mind and in my faith. On June 27, 2020 I woke up after a situation did not work out in my favor. I was sad and going through different emotions that reminded me of my past relationships that I hoped to work out. However, at that moment I got fed up with myself.That old mindset of not being worthy and not being good enough tried to sneak up on me. A lot of times the true change does not come until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got tired of allowing other people’s rejection of me to make me feel like I was not good enough, something was wrong with me, or I would be in this place of my life forever. I got up off the couch and spoke ten affirmations over myself. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am worthy of love. I am a Child of God. I love my body. I love my pretty chocolate skin. I love my smile. At that moment I decided I was starting over. I was entering into a new and improved relationship with myself. I said this was my first time meeting myself, and I dedicated that entire day to being intentional and aware of what I like, what I did not like, and what I felt. I was intentional about being helpful and having a positive attitude. In my past I had let my emotions and feelings control my perception of myself. I had let other people’s views and expectations of me control how I also viewed myself. I said no more! That in order for me to be genuinely happy. Not when I get a bunch of likes. Not when a man tells me I am beautiful but in order to achieve true self love I needed to lay down my past and other people’s view of me and pick up God’s view of me and what I thought about myself. A lot of the things we dislike about ourself comes from other people view of us. At least that was the case for me. So, I said for the next 30 days and today is day 5 I am dedicating 30 days to my health, spiritual, mental, and physical wellbeing. I had gained weight in my upper body area that I am not okay with so, I am making the decision to strive towards eating healthier by not eating pork (I have been successful at this for 2 months), increasing my calorie intake to gain muscle while also monitoring my gain, working out everyday, and taking care of my hair, skin, and body. My ultimate goal is to grow in my self love. I have spent countless seasons of relying on men to define who I am and when things didn’t work out I would say what’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? I would talk about this but there would be a resistance to it. I feel like a lot of women and even men are afraid to say these things, because we get so caught up in what other people have to say and who wants to confess that they struggle with confidence and self esteem issues? The tea is we all do but only some are confident enough to admit it. We are ashamed, because we feel like we have a point to prove to other people that we are so confident and know who we are. However, I am learning to let that go. I have strengths and weaknesses and that is what makes me who I am.
What is different this time with me seeking healing and becoming a better me is I have a changed mind. I made up my mind. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and sometimes that’s when the TRUE change comes.
Today is the first day of July which is also my birthday month (July 28th) and the month of June was a lot of trials and tests for me, but God says those who endure during trials will receive the crown of life( James 1). I will be rewarded for not giving back to old ways to sustain myself but fighting past temptation, doubt, fear, and torment from the enemy. Greater is on the other side. What’s my fight? My fight is my old self. I refuse to go back to darkness. Find your fight and let’s get up and work towards TRUE healing. I did not wake up and say I want a big booty and flat stomach even though that’s a goal. I said I want a healthier relationship with myself. Let’s start there first. You can do it! :)