Every day is just another day. You never think it’ll happen to you. The patients I care for daily, I never expected to be the family sitting in shock as bad news is shared. I never knew the power of the words doctors say when they say, “I’m sorry, we did all we could”. The words never sunk in until it was too late. After that week of you being home, not being your bubbly self, Everyone’s life will forever be different and a hole in our hearts will forever be left empty. As people come and go through the church doors and visit your lifeless body, they will tell us that it’ll get easier, that the pain won’t be as bad as right now, but they lied. It doesn’t get easier and the pain remains the same; we are just forced to live with that aching, gut-wrenching pain for the rest of our lives. I am forced to live with your life missing. A life that no matter how much you pray, cry, and scream, will never come back. I will never have you back here on Earth. Constantly, I ask God why. I often find myself getting angry, oh so angry at Him for taking such a beautiful, kind soul from me. For taking the only person that could ever cheer me up on a rainy day or the only one who would actually listen when I just needed to cry. You were the only person who put everything into perspective and told me exactly how it is. You told me when I was being dumb or needed to check my attitude. God took the person I loved the most and every single night, for what I presume will be quite some time, I lay in bed wondering why. Why was it you? Forty-nine seems too young. Why was my time cut short?
Every time we went fishing, you would tell me to focus on us and focus on our surroundings. I never took it quite seriously as you were invincible to me. At nineteen I never expected to lose my dad, my best friend. You always told me how you were okay even when on the darkest days I know you were hurting and tired of fighting. You told me all the time that you weren’t going anywhere and you were going to win the fight. You promised to walk me down the aisle and be there for me every step of the way. You promised to be there at my graduation and to take me to the Casino on my twenty-first birthday. Instead, I will be celebrating these events in a different way. I will be missing you, wishing you were here. You had my back and protected me when no one else did. You always made sure I was okay and if I wasn’t, you were right there. I was always reminded that I would see you again, but I never knew that the last time I saw you healthy and happy, would be the last time I saw you enjoying and living life here on Earth. If only I had known that, Daddy, I would’ve hugged you harder and I wouldn’t of let go. I would’ve told you how much I love you, over and over again. I even would’ve told you how sorry I am for causing you so many problems as a kid.
I would’ve done anything to save you and keep you here with me. Selfishly, I have no idea what to do when things go wrong. I have no idea who to call or what to do when a problem arises. I don’t know who to turn to when my life doesn’t make sense or who to run to when I just need to get away. It seems like recently I find myself ready to send you a text, get it all typed out, but then it hits me, I remember that I won’t get a response. I keep waiting to wake up from this bad dream, that’s truly what it feels like. I know you’re really gone and there’s nothing in the world that can change that. My nightmare turned into my reality and my biggest fear came true. I lost you before I was ready. God and you were ready, but my heart was not.I remember losing you like it was yesterday, I mean three months seems like it truthfully was yesterday. The way my whole world stood still and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel. My whole body was numb. My heart was numb. I couldn’t process losing you. I tried to go and buy picture frames for your funeral and It seemed like everything was in slow motion. It felt so fake. I had to repeat, “Picture frames. Thats it. Just breathe. Picture frames.” over and over.
I haven’t been the same. How could I be the same person I was before I lost half of my heart? Of course I’m not the only one that’s lost a parent, but no one warned me about all the pain and suffering that comes with it. Or how it doesn’t end. It keeps going on and on forever and ever. One second I think I’m doing okay, then I remember everything and I break down all over again. It’s a never ending cycle. Some days it’s bearable and others I scream at the top of my lungs begging for you back. Death changes you. It changes your life. It changes everything. However, as I am reminded often by my church family, God does this to help us grow. He doesn’t do this to be mean, but nearly to love and teach us a lesson. Often times, its lessons we never knew we needed.
I changed daddy. I somehow took 20 steps backwards and 30 steps forward. This just sounds purely crazy, but I actually found myself. I found out who I am meant to be. I actually became a stronger, better version of me, Daddy. I can only pray that I am and continue to become someone you would actually be proud of. Without you I’ve lost myself, but grown as a person. I don’t even understand how that makes sense, but it just does. I’m not sure how that will ever make sense, but even without you physically here, you’re still teaching me things along the way. I’m finally at peace with myself, God, and everything in between. I understand that you passed with peace and comfort. You were loved. Loved by so many that are also hurting. I was shown just how amazing of a guy you truly were. After many times praying and wrestling thoughts in my head, I’m finally content and happy. The pain, oh it’s never ending, but somehow I bear with it and keep moving forward. I seem to smile and laugh more knowing you are with Jesus fishing with a golden reel. I only seem to make the best of things, truthfully, because of my faith and because of you. Every single day you pushed me. Even now, you continue to push me, harder and harder everyday. Every single time I fall, you’re right there to catch me and pick me up again. Sending me the ear so slightest reminders that you are with me. You remind me of the life I was blessed with and the places I still have yet to go. You remind me to keep going and to not give up. Im reminded of the degree i’m pursuing and the pathway to medicine I have chosen to delegate my time with. I’ve tried giving up and you won’t let me. Every time I try to give up for even a day you seem to bring me back to reality.
The toughest year of my life has been the biggest learning experience and luckily, I’m never alone. You’ve made sure of that. I might never understand why, but I know you’re right next to me every step of the way. And I can’t thank you enough for that.The good memories outweigh the bad. The positive outweighs the negative. Where I lost hope, I gained it back again. You see, it was far from easy. It was an everyday challenge. I would stay in bed for hours each day and not have motivation to move, but somehow you got me to pick myself up and go on. I would lay in bed and stare at your picture and just cry, for hours. Asking God why. I didn’t get why it had to be you. Or why it had to be so soon. I didn’t know how to handle the death of such a loved one. It broke me and tore me apart. It made me go crazy, insane even. It felt like my world was done and over with, but you gave me hope again. You gave me the strength I needed to get up and take care of others. You showed me why I have to be here and why you have to be there. I’m finally okay with that. I’m finally accepting the loss of you. I can feel you when I have a rough day hugging me. Daddy, Oh I miss you, but I know that you would love to know just how much you impacted me. I am so sorry I never told you this before, but because of how hard you worked even up until the end, It has pushed me to work just as hard. I go to school full time and work insane hours just because I know I want to make you proud.
Luckily, God blessed me with you. Even though time was cut far too short, I was still lucky enough to have had you and all the lessons you taught me. And for that alone, I couldn’t be more thankful. You see Daddy, from losing you, I’ve learned how precious time is. How you never know if you’re going to wake up tomorrow or if your life will be taken from you. I now text my friends and close family often how much I care about them. I now think about what every word I say may do to someone if it is the last word I ever say to them. I live every day like it’s my last. now. I leave no words unspoken. I don’t leave things on bad terms with anyone.
The hardest time of my life turned into the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned. Here’s to the lowest time of my life to the highest. The hardest and the easiest. Here’s to you. For not being seen or heard, but being present and listening. You constantly show me how important it is to keep fighting. I see old photos and videos and am just reminded of the love you had for me, Mom, Ashley, and Aaron. Somehow you have let me move on and push through the pain, tears, and suffering. I know this won’t be my forever, even tho it hurts an awful lot. I’m no longer numb and I’m no longer afraid to cry. Or to hurt. Because it’s all a part of the process. It just shows how much you meant to me and how much of an impact you left on my life. You were so loved and so special to me. Luckily, your memory carries on through me. Even though you won’t walk me down the aisle or see the kids I have some day, I know you’ll be watching from heaven, smiling down, reminding me to not worry about you, but to worry about me. I know you’ll protect us and be so proud of the person I’m becoming and the person I will be. I know you’ll always be right there, just as if you were alive. I live my life for me, but I live it for you too, Daddy. Even when I fall, I know you’ll catch me and pick me up again. There will always be hard days, but I’ll never be alone.
Thank you for showing me what a real man looks like. Thank you for pushing me to do better and be better. Thank you for being the man who would one day be my model for a future spouse. Daddy, days and months fly by, but trust me when I say.. You will never be forgotten. I love you forever and always daddy.
Love always,
Rooney