Coming out.
Everyone knows what it means, or at least what it refers to. We all know how it’s the moment someone part of the LGBTQA+ community decides to “come out” and tell those around them that they are a part of that community. Except it means more than that, something that I don’t think many people realize.
Now, I obviously can’t speak for everyone in the community but I see “coming out” for anyone in this community as more than just “coming out,” if you know what I mean. We are deciding to let people into our lives. We are deciding that the people around us are so important that we think we can trust them with this part of ourselves.
And this process doesn’t end the first time we ever tell those around us who we are. We have to constantly let people in and pray that nothing bad will happen. Especially for those who are nonconforming or are unable to look the way we want, we have to constantly tell every person we have some kind of relationship with who we are, especially in regard to gender. If we want our boss to use the correct pronouns, especially if we do not look like the gender we belong to, we have to make the decision to essentially “come out” to our boss. It’s a never ending process and no matter how comfortable we are with ourselves, we have to do it if we want to live as ourselves.
Now, this might seem obvious or some of you may be confused. Let me try to generalize this. Whenever you meet a new person and decide you want to get to know them, you both decide to let each other into your life. You start to slowly reveal things about yourself, be it large or small things, but either way you are telling this other person things about yourself, hoping they will like you for you.
This is the same thing we are doing, which is why it’s a lot more than just coming out and why it is something that never ends. Because the main thing is that we are not only letting this information come into your life, but we are letting you see us for who we are and we are praying every time that it won’t end horribly.
Of course, as I say this, some are probably thinking that if it’s the same thing as others, why is it such a big thing? Well, that’s because we have to overcome a LOT of anxiety and fear just to put our faith into people like this. Because there is still so much negativity towards us in the LGBT+ community, it makes sense to celebrate those who have come out. Because sadly, it’s not something people see as normal. For some reason, people don’t see any of this (transgender, asexual, gay, non-binary, etc.) as normal. And it is because of this attitude, that people coming out is such a big thing. Because every time someone says they are a part of this community, they are taking the risk of being ridiculed and attacked just for sharing a part of their life.
What, you think we chose to “be in the closet”? No, we are in the closet because that is where we know we are safe and where we know we can be true. Because when we “come out of the closet” it’s the moment we are opening the door and saying “this is a part of me.” Because that is what it is, being LGBT+ is a part of ourselves that we just want to be accepted. We want it to be loved and respected just like every other part.
Because it’s not something that can be changed. We shouldn’t have to pack these parts of ourselves away into the metaphorical closet like they should never see the light of day. This part of us is not some terrible secret that needs to be under lock and key that can only be visited when we know we’re alone and safe. This part of us is beautiful and it is here to stay.
And it’s getting better. More people are speaking up and by being able to celebrate our community, it gets a little easier to “let in” the people we care about. By making grand gestures, I hope that this will continue to allow us to easily mix this into a part of ourselves that we can share just as naturally as saying “my favorite color is blue.” Because our genders and our sexualities are just as natural as any of the straight people.
Because a cis woman saying “I’m a woman” is the exact same as a transwoman saying “I’m a woman.” It’s letting those around you see the same part of your life. Except now, the transwoman has to go through the same anxiety of letting people know this and hope that people accept this change just as easily as they would accept the cis woman’s words.
The main reason for this article, the main reason for this rant, is that I just want people to understand that just because we have “come out” does not mean the fight is done. Because if we want to have more relationships or to even be labeled our correct gender, we have to continue to let people see this side of ourselves, we have to let people in. And it’s absolutely terrifying every time. There might be some people out there who have no issue with showing this side of themselves, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there was still a small sliver of fear in their hearts.
I know I’m very open about how I’m non-binary. I’m very vocal about how I’m not straight. However, every time I decide to mention it, there is a small part of me ready to run or fight. Because every time I want to get to know someone or, hell, every time I just want to mention my pronouns, I’m terrified of the response I might get. Even after I’ve been surrounded by loving and accepting people, I’m scared that this will be the time that I get a bad response. I’m scared that this will be the time that I let them see my closet and their response is to immediately turn away or that they’ll want to change it.
And this fear can come out in so many ways. It comes out when those who love me ask to make sure I’m comfortable or if I want to change my pronouns; how many times I’m scared of vocalizing this because what if it sounds too weird or it’s too annoying for them? What if it’s just easier for them to stick with different pronouns or a dead name? I don’t want to lose a friendship just because I decided to show them a new outfit in my “closet.”
Essentially, this article is for people to understand that even though a person is “out” that is not the end of their struggle. Because coming out is not a one-time thing, it is the constant action of deciding to let people into your life, and to trust them with this information. It’s just as normal as any other moment of sharing a part of ourselves, except it’s been saturated in a fear that this will be the moment we are cast out just because we thought to share this information.
As I said I have been so far graced with many accepting people, and it’s really the reason why I was thinking about this. Because I have wanted to share that I’m non-binary with more people, and it is because of this that I’ve also been absolutely torn in making these decisions. I want to let people in, but sadly this part of myself has yet to be accepted as natural by parts of the world so it makes me scared to show it to more people. But, for those who have accepted me and love me, I don’t think I could ever express in words how much you mean to me and you have made me so much more confident in myself and with who I am, even if I don’t always show it.
I do hope that for every person that makes us want to hide in the closet, there is another who is knocking at the door and wanting to come in. I’ve been lucky to have more people knocking than those who slam it shut, and it makes “coming out” or “letting in” just a little bit easier each day. If anything, they knock more than I ever expected. And when I’m scared, they give their support and are there when I’m torn between hiding or showing more people. Their support has made it so much easier to let people in and to help me feel comfortable.
And while, again, I can’t speak for the whole community, this is how I feel and I know others who feel this as well. I just hope I was able to get my point across and I really hope people can see the importance as well as the normality of coming out.
We just want to come out through that closet door without fear and let inside everyone we love.
I also want to make it clear I am in no way downplaying the importance of coming out by saying it’s normal. I’m trying to show that we make the choice to let people in just like anyone else, but because of past reactions, we need to celebrate letting people in as coming out. I’m hoping to show that we are just as human as anyone else and we also want to share parts of ourselves with the world, parts like our gender, but it’s not easy for us even though it should be as easy for us as it is for anyone else.