Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships, specifically in terms of their levels of romantic involvement. The traditional question has always been “can boys and girls be friends?” But if you factor in bi/pan queerness, the question simply becomes “can you have any friends at all?” I feel like this isn’t right. Hey, I should be able to have platonic friendships even if I’m down to be with someone of your gender! And so far, it’s worked out for me pretty well, or so I thought until I had this discussion with one of my friends… then my therapist… and also my mom.
I’ve always had a majority of male friends growing up, and there were always what you and me might call *vibez* between any of these friendships. One of us kind of liked the other, or we in fact did like each other. This never lead to dating or anything significant which I think is very relevant, in terms of intentionality versus mere… imagination. Sometimes you do catch feelings for somebody who is close to you, who has similar values and interests, and who you’re with 24/7. It seems almost inevitable not to. I think the important boundaries one can make is whether one of you will take action upon these feelings. Some people are okay hooking up with their friends, and then continuing their friendship as if nothing had happened. I’ve been in this situation before and it always somehow turns messy.
What’s ideal for me is to DTR- define the relationship, even in terms of friendships. If somebody is my friend exclusively, it is very evident for both of us and I would bring it up to check that we’re both on the same page. And, if I thought there were feelings involved I might distance myself for a bit until I could figure out what I truly want. Or, if I really liked them I would go for it! And risk it.
My therapist suggested this lack of platonic relationships stemmed from a need for desire, or approval. I found this very confusing because I feel many people see their friendships as potential crushes or partners. Even if not consciously, I think it’s something many people evaluate at some point or imagine.
This brought me back to *gender roles*. If I was a man who hooked up with his female friends, would it be regarded as an inner flaw? It might be by his therapist too, but I feel like this would be something normalized, and not even seen as a problem in the first place. Double standards, amirite? I feel like a lot of the times, even though people mean well, we tend to overanalyze female promiscuity, and relate it back towards an inherent psychological flaw. She must be filling a “void” in her life, or maybe she just has “daddy issues”. I think it’s interesting how when a woman decides to have copious amounts of sex, or even just engage in non-platonic relationships, it’s analyzed as a coping mechanism for something she must be lacking. Why can’t we just have fun?