Ghosts, If You're Out There, Please Haunt Me

I’m going to come right out and say it, I don’t believe in ghosts. I recently looked up the most haunted places in Sacramento and came upon this list that gave me a good laugh. I’m not going to believe that a street corner is haunted. I have never had a paranormal experience, but maybe during the month of October and November I’ll go around checking the places on this list out, but until then I won’t believe in ghosts for a number of reasons.

1. I have never heard of a modern ghost

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Why are all ghosts dressed in Victorian clothing? Did people stop dying after the Victorian era? I need answers. I’m pretty sure I’d be more terrified by seeing a ghost wearing a zebra-striped tube top, low rise skinny jeans with a visible neon green bra. Where’s my poorly dressed ghost from 2005 because honestly, the fashion choices would terrify me more than the fact that there is an actual ghost.

2. Why do “hauntings” only ever happen at night?

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I would be more terrified if I saw a ghost in the middle of the day if I’m being honest. Where is the reasoning behind ghosts only being active at night? The fact that they are also only seen at night makes their existence less likely. If someone told me they saw something in a pitch-black room I wouldn’t believe them, because it’s impossible to see things in the dark, especially a ghost. That’s just your eyes playing tricks on you buddy, nice try. 

3. Wouldn’t ghosts observe us and change their ways?

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If I lived alone, no one had access to my Netflix and I came home to find that suddenly I am on the third season of “Parks and Recreation” when I specifically left off on season two, I would be a little spooked. I want to hear ghost stories about how when someone’s not home a ghost in their apartment binged on their Netflix or drank all the milk or turned the bathtub on and it flooded the apartment. But no, all the ghost stories are always about how the glass was suddenly moved half a centimeter and the wind sounded like whispers. That’s not scary at all, at least with my “crappy roommate ghost” idea you should be scared because either there is a ghost or at least someone is breaking into your apartment to do some weird things.

4. No one has ever been murdered by a ghost

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This isn’t a reason why I don’t believe in ghosts, it’s more like why I don’t get everyone’s fear of ghosts. Why would people be scared of light moving across the room or the extremely faint sounds of someone talking? I would be scared if ghosts could actually kill people, but no one has ever had a ghost story where the ghost was wielding a knife and they embarked on a Scooby-doo-esque chase scene. 

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I’m not hating on anyone who believes in ghosts, but I just don’t believe in them. Maybe I’ll have a paranormal experience and change my mind, but Shane Madej has been going on ghost adventures with Ryan Bergara for three years and he still doesn’t believe in ghosts. Come at me ghosts, I’m not scared of you.