Warning: This article includes explicit descriptions of events and may be triggering. If articles surrounding body image disturb you, please read this at your own pace and feel free to stop at any moment.
Some days I think of ten-year old me standing in front of a mirror, gripping onto the mass of my inner thighs. I used to wish that I could take a pair of scissors and “cut it all off.”
When I was in the fifth grade, I would go out during the lunch break everyday to the school’s playground and I remember mentally comparing myself to almost every girl there. I used to question why I was so chubby and why others weren’t. I didn’t know that there was something wrong with the way I looked until my friends started making fun of it.
We had yearly medical checkups at school where we’d get called to the doctor’s office and our weight, amongst other things, was checked. I hated those so much. Every student had a health report card and every year, I’d see that my weight had increased. My friends would try to look at the number on the scale when I stood on it and I’d tell the nurse, “Can you please cover it somehow?”
I was so tired of being self-conscious all the time which is why I joined a gym at the age of 12 and lost a lot of weight. As I grew older, my fitness goals developed. The issue with my fitness goals is that I’ve never been happy with the results and have always added more goals after achieving one. Initially, I wanted to become thinner. Then, I wanted a bigger butt. After that, I wanted a smaller waist.
The lockdown made me into a lazier person. I was constantly in my bed and barely active. I went from working out four times a week to thrice a month. My friend once told me, “You look bulkier, almost like a giant.”
I can’t stress enough how insecure comparisons to others have made me. TikTok and Instagram can often alter the perception of what beauty is without our realization. For some people, quarantine has been life-changing. People have completely transformed their bodies, lives and mindsets. However, I know that there are people like me that haven’t been able to do what they intended to. And not being able to because you simply couldn’t is also OKAY.
Present Date
People often say, “Just do cardio! What are you whining about? Lose some weight if it bothers you so much.” The truth is, anyone that struggles with their body knows the impact of these words. My first thought is always, “Do you think I haven’t tried?” That’s where the problem lies. Why should I care what anyone thinks? But, I do. I still struggle with my body on a daily basis. I can’t help but wear a hoodie when I leave the house and fight the urge to only wear tops that cover my arms.
Some days, I look at myself in the mirror and think of ten different things that just don’t work for me. However, the difference between ten-year old me and eighteen year old me now is that I have finally told the current version of myself to cut me some slack.