A few years ago, I found myself walking past a giant tapestry with the words “Virginity Rocks” painted on in thick black letters. I was accompanied by one of the only acquaintances I had made on my entire floor, as a student with zero social media and high anxiety during Queen’s University frosh week. I laughed nervously as I passed the tapestry, but deep down inside, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. How could I still be a virgin at the age of 19?! Even worse, when will I finally have my first kiss?
I felt embarrassed, uncertain, lost and scared . . . all the cliché emotions you would expect to hear about in a cheesy coming-of-age movie. Quite obviously, this sign was created by students in a sarcastic spirit at a school where hook-up culture was the norm. To appear “cool” on the outside, I laughed nervously and hoped no one would see me as less desirable for experiencing romance at my own pace.
Let’s take it back even further! You see, hundreds of years ago, being a young female virgin resembled purity and it was way more attractive to the opposite sex based on social norms. I cringe every time I think about that, and I hope we never revert to those oppressive social standards! But today, I feel like it’s fair to say society has overcorrected itself on this issue. The idea of virginity is often laughed at. I say this from my own personal experiences: people who are inexperienced in the bedroom are typically met with pity, awkward silence and even ghosting from a potential love interest when they open up about their sexuality. Contrary to what modern culture seems to be telling us, virginity actually ISN’T a flaw.
The contemporary social climate does a lot more damage than just simply harming the self-esteem of those who wish to grow sexually by their own timelines. When we feel pressured to “lose it” by a certain age just so we can be “normal,” it becomes so easy to ignore the importance of personal consent. For me, this looked like seriously considering hooking up with guys who I wasn’t attracted to only for the purpose of “getting it over with,” so I could eventually move onto better options. That was a very dangerous head space to be in.
Years later, when I was finally with the right person at the right time, I learned something mind-blowing: having sex isn’t rocket science. In fact, it’s supposed to come naturally. This further solidified my belief that all this stigma around virginity is totally uncalled for. I decided to debunk some common stereotypes to help out any folks who may find themselves struggling with their own identities solely or even partially because of their virginity.
Myth #1: If you hook-up with a virgin, they will be clingy and forever heartbroken if you upset them in even the most minor way
No, just no! It’s so important to note the opposite case is true for many virgins out there. Some people who experience romantic connections later in life may choose to do so because they’re busy prioritizing other ambitions. Whether it be focussing on academics or even one’s own mental health, many people out there actually believe in becoming the best versions of themselves before learning how to be vulnerable with a partner.
Myth #2: The classic ‘Holier than thou’ assumption
While it may be true that having sex before marriage is a sin for according to some religions, it’s important to realize that NOT all virgins are religious. I know it sounds silly that I even need to address this but trust me, it’s highly necessary to point out! When I was a virgin, many people would peg me as a very morally good and virtuous person, even when they hardly knew me. Coincidence? I think not.
Myth #3: If they’re not obsessed with Church, then they must at least be highly conservative prudes
Absolutely not! There’s no link between one’s sexuality and the way they choose to express themselves socially.
Myth #4: They never had anyone express romantic interest
Nope. Choosing to be a virgin simply means someone decided not to act on any of the potential love interests they’ve encountered. Personally, I turned down and ignored quite a few guys on purpose because I didn’t feel the same way.
Myth #5: Okay, well . . . they’ve got to at least be immature for their age
Still wrong! Accepting your identity without rushing into something that doesn’t feel right, while resisting social pressures, is a very mentally tough and wise thing to do.
In conclusion, I hope this helps you realize being virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s certainly not a flaw, and I aspire to get to a point in society where people openly share stories about awkward and embarrassing first times among their closest social circles.