We always hear people say, “be unique” and “dare to be different!” The feeling of being different is great when your self-confidence is up, but when it’s not, feeling different can be detrimental to your self-esteem and emotional health. I’m speaking from first-hand experience.
I grew up in a predominantly white town and went to schools attended mostly by white students my entire life. In many situations growing up, I was the only black girl. It was not a walk in the park, to say the least. I was subjected to blatant racism, disguised as “just jokes,” and prejudice from my teammates and classmates. In addition to that, I was shamed for having curves by girls on my cheer team. I would hear offensive jokes about black people and I never spoke up out of the fear I would be seen as “aggressive,” “angry,” a “bully,” or any of the other awful stereotypes that are thrown around.
I also saw all of the double-standards that existed, at a very young age. There were things other girls could get away with doing and saying, that would portray me in a negative light if I did the same. For example, certain hairstyles or clothing on other girls would be considered “trendy” and “urban,” and on me it would be considered “ratchet” or “ghetto.” Speaking up against something or being opinionated would make certain girls seem “empowered” or “passionate” and they would be applauded, while I would be seen as “angry” or “bitter” for doing the same. This is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to some of some of the things I experienced being a minority.
Despite my amazing parents’ best efforts to remind me to love the skin I was in, I was conditioned to think I needed to look like everyone else to fit in. I tried to hide my curves, straightened my hair and basically did everything I could to distract from the fact that I was “other.” From middle school, to my senior year of high school, I never felt completely accepted and comfortable with myself. Things changed once I got to college.
When I graduated high school I realized that college would be a fresh start for me. I could leave the less confident, “desperate to fit in” Ray, behind and promised myself I would never hide who I was. I followed these three steps and transformed my mindset.
Step 1: Embrace Your Hair
Let’s keep it real, take a look at hair commercials and billboards- society sadly glorifies straight hair and under represents other hair types. Yours truly has type 4a hair. If you are unaware of what that means, it means that my hair has extraterrestrial volume; it’s extremely thick, non-oily, and on the course side. In other words, as far from society’s “ideal” hair type as possible. My hair does NOT respond well to constant manipulation or continuous heat.
As I previously mentioned, I was straightening my hair almost every other day, to fit in with the girls on my cheer team in high school. Our coach or captains would tell everyone we all had to look the same head-to-toe on game days and I was afraid to tell my coach my hair type was not the same as everyone else’s, and couldn’t take all the heat two to three times every single week. I still have heat-damaged hair to prove it (yikes).
Once I got to college, I started wearing it natural and nursing it back to health. Don’t be afraid to try braid outs or twist outs to give your curls definition. If you aren’t ready to make the natural hair leap (which is fine, take your time!), try protective styles like box braids, Somali twists, faux locs, or sew-in weaves. People have some misconceptions about black women who wear weaves and other protective styles (“we hate our natural hair,” “don’t love ourselves,” etc) however, I’m currently wearing 30-inch long, medium sized box braids and still love my natural hair to the moon and back. People will talk regardless, so just do what makes you comfortable and ignore the haters!
Step 2: Love Your Body!
Most of the women in my family have curves. To me, having them was never considered a bad thing. It was only “bad” because I allowed the people around me to get away with body shaming me. I looked around and no one had the same body type I did. The guys I was surrounded by were only going for skinny girls. Today, I would say you don’t need a man to validate you, but at the time I felt like it was more difficult to love myself when the girls who were sought after looked exactly the opposite as I did. I was so unhappy with my body…and it took a lot of self-reflection to change that.
After high school, I stopped hating how I was shaped and embraced every curve, (and all accompanying stretch marks) that I was blessed with. Now, I make sure I go to the gym to keep my curves toned up and stay healthy. If you’re curvy. OWN IT! Not just because being thick and curvy is a “trend” now, but because you are naturally blessed with these features. It’s in your DNA! Your curves are part of you!
Step 3: Don’t Be Afraid To Speak Up!
While I would like to say I’ve been woke since I was in my momma’s belly, I can’t. There was a point in time where I would not want to talk about black issues with anyone outside of my family, but that quickly changed. I started speaking up and became part of the important conversations that impacted myself and my community. I started proudly celebrating my culture and surrounding myself with people who’ve had similar experiences as I did.
For the longest time, I thought I was the only person in the world who wasn’t proud to be black at a certain point in time, as it turns out, that wasn’t true. There are so many clubs and organizations on campus that provide a space for you to share your unique culture and discuss events in your community like HARU, WISO, TWESE, BSU and more.
More goes into the process of self-love than these three steps, but I wanted to tell my story because I know there are girls who are still going through the fight to find their identity. The journey towards self-love for black women is a different one, especially if you’re in an environment that makes it harder to love your true self, like I was for most of my life. Sometimes separation from the environment you’re in is what it takes for you to open up and see your beauty.
Your skin is NOT a curse. You are just as beautiful when you get darker in the summer! Your hair is NOT “unruly.” Versatile and gravity-defying is what it is sis! You can wear it however you want. Your features are NOT undesirable. Put on that lip gloss and liner! It is never too late to change your mindset. You are unique and you are valid. Love yourself, and don’t ever let anyone steal your spirit! -R