Though now something I’ve come to cherish, being mixed was not always something I took pride in. Growing up, I was always very confused as to why my parents had different skin colors, especially when most of my friends had two white parents (my town was not diverse at all). My parents never explained to me what the concept of being mixed was, but in their defense, how could they know it would have such an impact on me or my siblings if they never experienced it for themselves? It’s a difficult situation to be in when most people assume you are merely one race instead of the other, immediately robbing you of your rightful identity. All I knew was that my dad was from Sri Lanka and my mom grew up in America. So, doesn’t that make me both?
Some people refuse to see it that way. I grew up always feeling stuck between two worlds – like I either had every right to claim both identities or no right because I am not fully either race. It gets exhausting trying to deal with this on a daily basis, both in my own head and especially when prompted by others to answer the dreaded “what are you?” question.
I actually get quite emotional when I think about this topic. We literally live in a society that is so dependent on racial identity that it has the power to determine one’s entire self-worth. As a child, that’s a really hard concept to grasp. At times I feel inadequate because there is no one race that I can identify with. When people first meet me and tell me I look like “just a white girl,” it stings like an insult even though the funny thing is – I am white. But, I am not just white. On the other hand, when people assume I am Middle Eastern or Latina, they are automatically stripping me of an identity that I have trouble understanding to begin with.
Luckily, we live in an age where the media is starting to become more attune to the representation of diversity, whether that be in tv shows, books, social media, etc. My favorite recent release has been the book Mixed Feelings by former Victorious star Avan Jogia. The book is filled with a collection of poems, short stories and photos that represent the mixed experience on a broad spectrum. It doesn’t just represent those who are half white and half something else, but also those who have multiple races that make up their mixed identity. It is one of the most inclusive pieces of media that I have experienced, and it provides a lot of comfort to those dealing with mixed identity crises.
There are also shows like Mixed-ish that allows you to visually see what the life of a mixed family looks like. More visual representation is definitely needed, especially in children’s shows when kids are just starting to form an idea of who they are. I’ve found comfort in following accounts like @themixedaspect on Instagram and Subtle Mixed Traits on Facebook, where the discussion is open for mixed people to describe their frustration and anger towards a world that doesn’t understand mixedness. There are also school clubs, like Fusion here at Rutgers, that allow you to physically meet mixed students and discuss certain issues that mixed people often run into. I find the club to be an excellent support group and almost like a therapy session.
All of these outlets, along with some heavy self-reflection, have helped me come to terms with the fact that I come from a unique background and I should be proud of it. I’ve learned that mixed identity is really about accepting who you are, acknowledging that you’re a little different and embracing all the beautiful things that come with that. I refuse to be called half of anything – I will always be both.