To Envy a Little Girl

Some may think it’s strange. Some may find it dumb. But I envy the little girl I once was and all the little girls in the world. What a time to be alive as a little girl. Pretty bows with matching shoes, mac and cheese for dinner; coloring books and Barbie dolls, and fairytales that are real. So pure and innocent, and so blissfully ignorant to the social issues of the world. A little girl may cry over a broken crayon, or having to eat her veggies before dessert. She hasn’t a worry in the world, with dreams filled with ponies and rainbows and a perfect world.

She dreams of becoming a princess, and has no doubt in her mind that she will become one. What it must feel like to be a little girl. If only I could go back in time to relive it. What it must feel like to know nothing about all the injustices of the world we live in today, and to have no responsibilities at all. To laugh and play all day with an open heart and open arms free of judgment and pain. To swing on a swing and decide what the clouds resemble, and to be filled with pure joy at the sound of the ice-cream truck. To be a little girl is such a foreign feeling. It’s like I can barely remember it at all, aside from a handful of special memories. Sometimes when I see photos, I don’t remember them being taken or even the event that happened that day. And sometimes I do and I want to cry because I recall that the time of being a little girl is over forever. I try to reflect on issues I struggle with as an adult and wonder at what point in my childhood it manifested... I imagine myself as a little girl, smiling big with chunky glasses, with banana curls while never leaving the house without my favorite necklace. If I had a few wishes, one would be to relive my time as a little girl. Just to embrace the freedom of every day, having endless energy, being pampered and cared for, and to experience the feeling of unconditional love and a sense of closeness to everyone I interact with. So with that envy of the little girl I once was, I try to unlearn the teachings of the past. I grow. I strive. I prosper. I cry. I fail. I succeed. I love, and I break. I struggle. I save money. I gain life skills. I am productive, driven, passionate, and self-disciplined. I am kind, and brave, and understanding. I envy the little girl and I grieve at the loss of her. But I smile because I know she is deep within me.

I participated in a group guided meditation session where I had a face to face interaction with myself as a little girl, at maybe 5 or 6 years old. She was shy, but so happy to see me, and so proud of me. I cried as I hugged her tightly. I told her she is so loved and can do anything she sets her mind to. She giggled and fiddled her favorite necklace between her fingers. I told her to always question everything and to never let anyone mistreat her. I told her that she is limitless and she has so much to offer the world, and that there is no one exactly like her on this earth and that is something to be proud of. She listened to me attentively with her little hands in mine. With eyes wide, her lashes fluttered through those big glasses she wore. We ran around and played in the grass and acted silly together as we enjoyed the sunshine as one. We sang songs and danced and had a picnic. As we said our goodbyes, she walked over the bridge in her white sandals, and turned the corner at a large tree trunk, where she became out of sight. 

Upon returning to reality, I felt very moved and cried. Other participants in the meditation also became emotional. It made me realize that little girl I envy will always be inside of me, and she is the foundation of the person I have become and am still becoming. I cherish that little girl, and try my best to live life through her eyes, since I am envious of her innocence and youth. Envy is not something to be proud of, but sometimes it’s necessary to help us grow.

I envy the little girl.

Xo, Susie