Self-depreciation became my signature sense of humor in the early 2010s. As a girl who was horribly bullied, I learned that if I laugh at myself before others could I would spare myself some pain. However, as high school rolled around and the bullying stopped I realized that there was one person who would continue picking on me even when it wasn’t cool.
Myself.
There have been a few times in my life where I decided that I would no longer be using self-deprecating humor. But, I always came back to making fun of myself because it’s an easy joke. Besides, what harm can be done by just making a joke? Especially when I don’t mean it? However, throughout the years I realized that my jokes aren’t jokes anymore. Instead, they feel like feeble cries for help that make me and the people around me uncomfortable.
For the longest time, I convinced myself that I’m stupid. If I do something wrong I’ll laugh and joke about how I’m such an idiot. I’m not convoluted enough to think that I’m a genius but, I’m not stupid either. Recently, I’ve been accepted and committed to my dream graduate school. It’s a competitive program that isn’t easy to get into. Obviously, I knew that I had potential because I applied but there was always a nagging feeling that I was too stupid to get in. Because of this, I would joke around about how much of a hopeful idiot that I am.
It’s crazy but jokes that I deemed as “silly” genuinely changed my view of myself…and perhaps other people’s view too. If I tell someone I’m stupid and give themselves no evidence to prove otherwise then why would they believe that I’m intelligent? Why would I believe that I’m intelligent if I keep telling myself otherwise? Self-deprecating jokes aren’t just a joke. Not to me anyway.
So I’ve decided not to make those types of jokes anymore. It’s ruining my self-esteem in more ways than one. If I’m being honest these jokes aren’t funny anyway. I don’t laugh at jokes that make fun of other people, so why do I laugh at jokes directed at myself? It’s just not funny anymore and I’m over it.