Trigger Warning: mental illness, anxiety, and illness are discussed.
I was diagnosed with OCD at age nineteen, so around four years ago, but I worried that I had it a lot sooner. I noticed that I didn’t think like the other kids in my elementary school. I would have to repeatedly spell the word “president” or “candidate” in my head after I overheard them in a conversation. I remember walking down the steps, spelling, and thinking that if I spelled one of these words wrong I was going to trip down the steps and break a bone. Growing up, I wondered if other kids had to count their goldfish before eating them. If they too stressed over the necessity of eating an even number, not an odd. But, if they slipped up and missed one, landed on an odd number, well they believed they would definitely choke and die. But, it wasn’t all about counting and the fear of death. It was also the fear of germs which had me washing my hands under burning hot water, telling myself to bear through the pain until I got to forty seconds. But then forty seconds was never enough, so I would talk myself into another twenty, but sixty isn’t as good as eighty, and then who could beat the number one-hundred, such a perfect number. I would get to one-hundred and my hands would look like lobster claws. Intrusive thoughts flooded my mind and I had to follow their orders, or else something terrible would happen.
According to the DSM-5, or The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, OCD, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, typically has two main components, obsessions, and compulsions. The former being “recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced as intrusive and unwanted”, and the latter being “repetitive behaviors or mental acts that an individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly” (235). That’s an in-depth way of saying, “junk mail” thoughts get stuck and mental torture ensues. And yes, I use humor to cope with my OCD.
Through coping mechanisms in therapy, I have learned to dial down my intrusive thoughts, specifically my incessant need for even numbers, until I no longer counted when I washed my hands. Yet progress is not always linear, and when the world was introduced to a new illness, my compulsions came back.
Just yesterday I was washing my hands for twenty seconds, but then my brain tried to convince me that wasn’t enough, and that I could get the virus if I didn’t wash for longer. That I could spread it to my loved ones. That I could possibly be responsible for someone’s death by not washing my hands for one-hundred seconds. My eyes welled with tears as the running water burned my skin. My boyfriend came over to me at the sink, and I admitted through defeated tears, “I can’t stop washing my hands.” I flinched when he turned off the water. I slowly accepted he was reaching for my unclean hands. I said, “But I only got to seventy. It’s not good enough.”
And then he helped convince my lying brain that that hideous odd number was more than enough, and nothing bad was going to happen. It was a relief to be told I wasn’t going to hurt anyone by my “negligent” hand-washing.
Coping with my OCD compulsions during the pandemic is difficult. It’s difficult to cope outside of the pandemic. But I’m not alone. Those who do not have OCD are now experiencing “OCD tendencies” such as excessive hand-washing to quell their fear of infection. Those who may have trivialized my community’s obsessive thoughts in the past, now understand the fear of feeling out of control and the driving need to gain back some control. I am not glad that people feel this way as it’s a scary way to feel, yet it is interesting how now those who struggle with these OCD compulsions are better understood. My hope is that something positive can come out of this new level of understanding. That OCD will be seen as a valid mental illness and not just a cute phrase to throw around when one is really expressing a need for order and perfection, or OCD personality disorder, which is completely different from OCD, the anxiety disorder.
To my fellow OCD peers, if you have the tools to help yourself, please teach others how to cope with their intrusive thoughts. This is a time in which we need to come together and help others. We will keep fighting, and together we can thrive with OCD, and spread awareness of this valid mental illness. Stay healthy and positive everyone.
Sources:
“Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.” Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), 5th ed., American Psychiatric Association, May 2013, pp. 235-237.
Helpful Resources:
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
https://www.npr.org/2020/04/03/826726628/how-to-get-therapy-when-you-cant-leave-the-house.