Modern day dating has rebranded effort as nothing but optional. Dates are replaced with dorm rooms and parked cars. Public plans are replaced with late night texts and snaps. And somehow, women are expected to feel happy by accepting less, accepting the bare minimum. We call it keeping it lowkey. We call it not wanting to do too much. But when you’re only seen behind closed doors, when you’ve never received a bouquet of flowers, when you give and receive boyfriend level intimacy without the girlfriend level respect, the question isn’t “what are we?” It’s “what am I allowing?”
Situationships thrive in the dark. They’re not taken seriously. There’s no public acknowledgment, no invites to events, and no introductions to friends, especially not family. It’s just enough attention to keep us emotionally hooked, but never enough clarity for it to be meaningful and secure. And at some point, we have to stop pretending that something like this is empowering.
There is nothing cute about being hidden and avoided in public. There is nothing progressive about accepting less effort from a man. When we agree to relationships that only exist in secret, we are teaching someone how little they have to do to keep us around, and how the bare minimum is something we don’t comprehend. That’s not independence, it’s being dependent, dependent on men who do nothing for us.
If we’re being completely honest, we don’t accept this treatment because we don’t know any better. We accept it because we’re afraid of losing any type of attention we’re getting, even if it’s from someone who doesn’t think twice about us. Because in a world where women are constantly told we’re “too much,” we begin shrinking ourselves just to avoid being overbearing. We convince ourselves that asking for reassurance or asking to be taken out is clingy, that wanting flowers is princess treatment, that expecting any type of effort is unrealistic.
Sometimes we accept less because we like to grasp on the little details that make it seem like there could be potential. We see who he could be instead of who he actually is. We tend to romanticize inconsistency and call it toxic love. We tell ourselves that he just needs time, and eventually if we’re patient enough, chill enough, and don’t ask many questions, he’ll eventually choose us out loud and proud.
And other times, it’s simpler than that. We’re tired. We don’t want to start over with someone new. We don’t want to relive another shallow talking stage, pretending that “what’s your favorite color?” is the start of something meaningful and interesting.We don’t want to admit we invested months into something that never had intention behind it. So we stay. Not because it fulfills us, but because it feels easier than walking away embarrassed and alone.
At some point, we have to remember that we are not asking for too much. We are simply just asking the wrong person. Wanting clarity is not dramatic. Wanting effort is not desperate. Wanting to be chosen out loud is not unreasonable. It is the bare minimum.
We deserve to be with men who are just as committed to us as we are to them. Not men who keep us guessing. Not men who only hit us up when they want something. Not men that don’t care about how they treat you. Not men who treat exclusivity like a favor. Commitment should not feel like a negotiation, It should always feel mutual.
Women are not placeholders, we are not practice, we are not something to keep around until something “better” comes along. All of us are valuable and intentional. We are the golden prize. And being the prize doesn’t mean being arrogant or cocky. It means self respect. It means acknowledging our value. It means understanding that our time, our energy, and our bodies are not casual offerings. They are investments. And investments should only be made where there is an equal return.
As a woman, men should want to impress you, show you off, and most importantly make you happy. It is not okay to be belittled. It is not okay to be hidden. It is not okay to be treated like an option while we treat someone like a priority. Love should feel secure. We should feel proud, we should feel safe, and we should feel loved.
The moment we start taking ourselves seriously is the moment other people will as well. And the more we love ourselves, the less we tolerate what doesn’t align with us.
Because the real glow up isn’t getting chosen.
It’s choosing better.