I think that people are asking for too much when dating. I’m not saying this in a “holier than thou” way. Sometimes I daydream about a s/o who will be the definition of the perfect, charming partner. But, the more that I explore my past relationships and my friend’s current relationships I realize that there’s a reason why perfect couples only exist on Instagram. It’s unrealistic (and selfish!) to expect your s/o to become the personification of a perfect love.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that everyone should have a standard when they’re dating. Nobody should get less than what they deserve when it comes to love. However, these standards can’t be unobtainable or you’re setting your future relationships up for failure. You’re s/o is not responsible for your overall happiness. They are only responsible for bringing you joy and respect within your partnership. Personally my “bae goals” is an s/o that’s a feminist, a good communicator, a kind person and is able to make me laugh. It’s realistic. It’s obtainable. And I won’t settle for anything else. And if I can’t get an s/o with these qualities?
No seriously. If I don’t find someone that I’m into with my “goals” I won’t date them. And that’s the realistic part of realistic dating. I know that I personally don’t date just to date and it’d be a waste of time to try to force someone wrong into my heart. Someone else might have different standards and they should date according to their values. But I personally evaluated my needs and wants and realized that I needed a liberal s/o or it’d be a deal-breaker for me. I needed good communication because I hate playing games with people. That I need kindness because I can’t stand mean spirited people and someone who makes me laugh because life is supposed to be fun isn’t it?
I know this sounds awfully democratic and selfish but it’s not. There’s people out there who have these traits and would give me butterflies at the sight of them. So I decided that I’d wait for them or die trying. It’s not a ridiculous request and as long as my s/o doesn’t waver on these traits I’m willing to work out any problem less than cheating. And I’ll bargain that my relationships will be fruitful because I know what I want.
But if I were to say that I wanted an s/o to decree their love for me through text every night, to always know the right thing to say and to be there every single time that I need them is too much. But I see people hoping for this. Or expecting their current s/o to do this. And honestly, it’s not fair. You’re dating a person, not a John Green character. People can’t be perfect all the time and it’s selfish to have someone devote their entire being to dating you.
I’m not saying that you can’t have a romantic partner or a thoughtful partner. You want someone to give you roses? Find a partner who will give you roses. You want a partner who will spoil you? Find a partner who loves to spoil you. But don’t ask for someone to change their love language or themselves because you’re in a relationship with them. Either find someone who will do what you want or lower your expectations a little bit. Before you get into a relationship you have to understand what you want from the relationship.
And the biggest fact is that a partnership isn’t going to last because you check a few “goals” from a Netflix movie. It survives when there is equal respect and trust between one another. It survives when passion meets the choice of staying together. It lasts when you have realistic expectations of each other and what type of commitment you need to bring to the table. And when that happens, when not if, it happens you’ll be happy that you’re part of a real relationship instead of a two dimensional one.