Before I left for college a loved one gave me advice. They told me that under no circumstance I should find myself alone in a man’s dorm. If I did find myself alone in a man’s apartment and if he did happen to “do something to me” then it was my fault. “You’re smarter than that Destiny,” they said taking a bite of their sandwich “Don’t get yourself into trouble.”. I immediately was disgusted by the thought. It’s one thing to tell young women self-defense tactics:
- Don’t walk alone at night.
- Scream fire instead of rape. Nobody runs towards a rape. Everyone loves to watch a fire.
- Drop to the floor if someone grabs you; it’s harder to carry dead weight.
- Don’t leave your drinks around and stop sipping if something tastes wrong.
But it’s another to tell her that sexual assault is her fault. It’s unfortunate that women have to be educated in order to protect themselves against sexual assault. I was talking to a friend one time and she told me that rape survival tactics were important. But these tips are not the solution to the problem. Instead of protecting all women rape survival tactics just protect *you*. We never stop the rapist. There’s always the possibility that someone else is going to be sexually assaulted.
And if someone else does happen to be sexually assaulted she’ll be blamed for it. We ask women what they were wearing. We ask women how much they had to drink. We ask women if they were flirting with their rapists. We ask women when they said no. We ask women how many times they said no. We ask women why they waited so long to report their rape in the same breath that we invalidate them.
But we never ask why someone had the nerve to sexually assault someone.
The only person who is at fault during a sexual assault is the person who decided to commit sexual assault. If there’s a robbery we blame the robber. We don’t ask the person who was robbed why they decided to wear shiny new shoes. We don’t tell them that if they dressed more modestly they wouldn’t get robbed. We just believe them because it’s the rational thing to do.
If someone says they were raped it’s your job to believe them. If you struggle with this then don’t say your opinion. Think about it–someone went through one of the most devastating traumas of their life. Why would *who literally knows nothing about the situation* invalidate their experience?
We need to change how society looks at sexual assault because anyone can be sexually assaulted. Although women are more statistically likely to be sexually assaulted this isn’t just a women’s issue. It’s basic human rights. And it’s about time that we start treating sexual assault with the attention it deserves.