Like almost every other bullied kid in middle school, I found myself relying on Youtubers for a sense of friendship. I’m not sure what lead to the intimacy that I felt with my favorite YouTubers. But, as I watched their makeup tutorials, vlogs, gaming, or commentary videos I felt like I was sharing a moment with a friend. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have many friends. I felt like I did.
One thing that made me feel really connected with these Youtubers was their stories of not fitting in at school. They would share stories of feeling lonely and like they were completely misplaced in the world. My young teenage years felt as though I was an alien place in the middle of this terrifying world. I didn’t know how to find my way but I found inspiration seeing that other people–people like me–did. I felt like these people got me.
Eventually, I found myself a little bit more high school. I was no longer bullied (although I found myself in a bad friend group). I didn’t need Youtubers as much as I used to and because of this, I lost interest. Despite unsubscribing, I wished my Youtubers well and remembered them fondly.
Around the same time, I realized that Shane Dawson’s content was horribly racist. At first, I didn’t want to believe it. I suddenly found myself gaslit and offended by my ability to passively watch acts of racism.
In a video apologizing for his racism, Shane said, “I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be black and see this white f***ing guy doing blackface and the whole Internet at that time being like, ‘lol.’”.
I’ll tell you, Shane.
Part of the reason why I was bullied as a child was because of my race. When I came home I decided to seek solace in a man…who also made fun of my race. But, you preached love and told me that it was a joke. Because I desperately wanted connections to people I believed that it was a joke as well. But, I didn’t realize that I was being bullied by you too. It’s a well-known truth that people who are bullied carry this throughout their lives. Being physically bullied in middle school has affected me. I’m not confident and I have a nagging fear that people secretly pitying me.
Your effect on me is that I don’t know how to interact with my blackness. I don’t have a sense of humor outside of self-deprecation. You’ve made fun of me and people like me for so long and now I’ve carried on the torch.
Don’t get me wrong the way that I feel is my responsibility. But, I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t seek comfort in someone that I didn’t know. Despite the intimate feel that I got from YouTube videos, I was too young to realize that I didn’t know Shane or any of the other racist YouTubers I idolized. Now that I’m older I feel like I’m not likely to idolize someone who I don’t really know.
To the kids who are looking for friendship and companionship over a screen do it. I don’t regret my remedy for feeling lonely. But, I do urge you not to passively watch your idols. Above everything, you as a person matters.