Book Sex vs. Real Sex

Book Sex vs. Real Sex


Who’s read the Fifty Shades trilogy? I’m at the end of book two and let me tell you, this series is BEYOND frustrating. Not because of the lack of authentic BDSM sex because when you actually read the books they are not actually about the BDSM lifestyle. That is just a segue to a deeper topic, which is Christian’s (male protagonist) mental disorder from abuse in his childhood. The reason the series is ridiculous is because of the absolutely perfect sex that Anastasia (female protagonist) and Christian have every single time. 

He takes her virginity and she takes the dick like a pro. Not only does she do an immaculate job with the awkwardness of losing her virginity she even has an orgasm.  Let’s take a second to process this, she had an orgasm her first time having sex. Not only does she have an orgasm her first time having sex but she has one EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  from then on out. Now I don’t know where Christian got his sex skills from but Anastasia is one lucky lady. According to OB/GYN Dr. Lisa Masterson, “Seventy-Five percent of women do not have orgasms by sex alone.” So not only is Anastasia apart of that lucky Twenty-Five percent, she is also apart of an even smaller number of women who do not reach an orgasm every time they have sex. My my my, the heavens have looked down and smiled upon Miss Anastasia Steel.


Anastasia Steel might be the luckiest most annoying woman in the world. She captured a gazillionaire's attention by falling gracelessly through his office door flat on her face. She manages to do simple things that, unbeknownst to her, turns him on like nobody’s business, such as insistently biting her lip. She doesn’t notice the hot guys who flock to her on a daily bases. She makes the gazillionaire, who just so happens to be a sex god, fall in love with her, also unbeknownst to her, in less than a month. Did I mention the bomb, out of this world, oral sex she gives said gazillionaire even though she has apparently never been with anyone, never practiced on a cucumber, a hot dog, a popsicle, a ring pop, a baby bottle pop, not a nothing; she’s never watched porn, never even touched herself. Yet she manages to know that she should not use teeth, make her mouth really wet AND her lack of gag reflexes would put Superhead to shame.  Oh, and she can cum on command. 


The reason this is so annoying is because it makes regular women feel like we’re doing something wrong. Why don’t authors write about the awkwardness of losing your virginity? Or the time is takes for women to get to know their bodies? Who knew some women don’t cum from vaginal sex alone? What’s the point if all this if the moon and the stars have to be aligned perfectly, the guy has to lift your left leg into an acute angle while tickling your elbow and clitoris at the same time all while find your g-spot while whispering sweet nothings in your ear and looking in your eyes at the same time. This sex stuff is exhausting. 


The Fifty Shades series created an overtly unrealistic idea of sex. Sometimes the first time is awkward. Actually most times the first time is awkward. Let’s be real, a foreign object is entering your body. But that is ok. Ladies, you might not always reach the big O. Sometimes your experiences will be more about giving than receiving. Sometimes your experiences will be just down right awkward. 


All of this isn’t to say that sex can’t be great and the stars and moon can’t align and he can’t put your leg in the perfect acute angle while tickling your elbow and clitoris as he is hitting your g-spot and whispering sweet nothings in your ear while looking into your eyes. Sex can be just that great and gratifying. You can cum and see stars and the heavens and fall in love. It does happen. 


But just remember that there is beauty in that learning process. You getting know him and him getting to know you; learning each other can be just as rewarding as the orgasm itself. Sometimes you’ll have to tell him what you like and what you don’t like. Contrary to what we wish, men can’t read our minds. They can barely read our bodies. But with patience and a little bit of elbow grease they learn and it’s great. These books shouldn’t define sex because they are ridiculously eye rollingly unrealistic. Because sometimes sex is just that awkward.  



“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Mae West.