When we make connections with others, we begin to build a relationship with that person. Many individuals stay as acquaintances, but very few become our friends. Any person who has built on these bonds we make with others know one thing: friendship is messy.
A friendship is a different kind of relationship. Although it’s not a connection between a significant other, it’s about two people sharing a significant love for one another and trusting each other no matter what. It comes with ups and downs, the highs and lows.
Friendship isn’t always pretty. Just like every other dynamic, even the best of friends argue over the little things. Much like an argument with our parents, or sibling, we say things we don’t mean out of anger and we feel hurt or bothered or annoyed by our friends.
Being emotional over the things we go through with our friends is valid. As a matter in fact, arguing even over the useless things can be healthy for friendships. Sometimes, we need to get that chip off our shoulder and find something to laugh over once the air is cleared.
‘So how do I know when my friendship is no longer a friendship?’ There is a lot of controversy surrounding what are the limitations to a healthy real friendship and one that is not. For starters, everyone must understand what is considered toxic and what is considered normal and understandable even when it brings negative energy.
In the focus on psychological and mental health, Sherrie Hurd shares with Learning Mind what is considered toxic behavior. Along with the common traits everyone is generally familiar with, like being manipulative and controlling, “the inability to have an open mind is a form of toxicity.”
Other forms of toxicity that many of us excuse in ourselves and others is isolation and lack of communication. Hurd explains that when we allow our depression and anxiety to get in the way of our friendships and relationships, we begin to isolate ourselves from the real world. “Even though we may be introverts, we still suffer from a lack of social stimulation,” shares Hurd. “We hurt others as well by utilizing our isolating characteristics.”
There are many fine lines that get blurred when it comes to understanding what can be insensitive and toxic versus what is justified for our own mental health and growth. In support of this statement, there is nothing wrong with asking or wanting personal space (even from our closest friends). But a friendship takes two people at each end of the rope, and communication is key.
When we feel like there’s something missing or that we’re not receiving in a friendship (like a lack of effort on both ends), there should not be shame in expressing this. But the way we go about expressing these feelings is crucial. Without proper communication, we become blind to how much we can hurt the other person. And when we hurt others because of our hurt, that pain begins to eat away at the bond of friendship. A simple text of ‘I’m sorry, but I need some space to think,’ goes a long way.
It can be difficult to balance our lives mid-pandemic, drive our focus in school, and keep up with our social lives–friendships can be harder to deal with than relationships because they are not meant for tip-toeing around to be successful. Even when it may feel like one person is in the right, the real understanding of friendship doesn’t come from who will apologize first but both parties apologizing for their wrong-doings.
It’s human to have problems; everyone goes through things that not even the person they’re attached to the hip to may know about. That’s why it’s important to understand that every person in a friendship has to be held accountable for their actions: having boundaries are acts of love and being held accountable is an act of maturity. It’s like Cher Lloyd sang in her song Oath (such a bop), even through all the scars and wars shared, your friend will always be by your side, through and through.