“Often we don’t even realize who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny. Oprah Winfrey (1954 – )
Q: My boyfriend of two years admitted to cheating on me with a random girl and he claimed that is was because men are naturally wired differently and he simply can’t dedicate himself to one girl. Is this true? Why do men cheat?
A: Even if men are wired differently, there is proof out there that a man can be faithful to just one woman, so we already know that was just a lame excuse. There really isn’t just one definite reason that men cheat. There are a variety of reasons, but insecurities would be the most popular one. Whether it’s in himself or in the relationship, a man who is insecure will often seek multiple partners to feel good about himself. It could also be an unconscious way of revealing that he’s unhappy with the relationship, not that that makes the cheating excusable, especially if he didn’t come talk to you about it. Lastly, dare I say it, he could have cheated on you because he doesn’t care about you very much. It may be hard to hear, but hopefully no matter the reason, you can remember that when a man cheats, he made the decision to cheat, no one else, and you are in no way responsible.
I must say I don’t think it’s even worth exploring the reason in this case. Not only did your boyfriend cheat, but he doesn’t seem willing to own up to his mistake. Instead of taking responsibility, he gave you an excuse and blamed it on how he’s “wired.” Before you can fix a problem, you have to admit there is one and it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend’s doing that. Is this the treatment that you deserve? I hope you feel good about yourself enough to feel that you deserve the best and if you feel that the best is a man who won’t cheat on you and is mature enough to take responsibility for his actions, then don’t accept anything less.
Q: We all know Joan’s “three-month rule” from Girlfriends, and Steve Harvey advices in his book that women should wait 90 days before “giving a man the benefits”. How long should I wait before going that extra step in a relationship?
A: The whole point of Joan’s “three-month rule” is to make sure that whoever she is dating is not only a good and legitimate mate, and to make sure he’s interested in getting to know her and respects her for who she is as a person before “giving a man the benefits.” These are important factors to consider when you’re building a relationship with a man and, for the most part, men do respond well to this waiting period, especially college-age men. Another factor is how he treats you; he does need to actually deserve the benefits. Not that he has to work for it, but you should both get to know each other and decide if this is someone you actually like and would like to pursue something with before taking that next step. Sometimes we women have endured so much that we tend to forget that there are genuine guys out there who will still care for and respect you even if you do decide to do the deed before the three month wait period is up. It’s also important to talk to your partner about sex and how you feel about sex, contraceptives, and any other issues you feel may come up when you do decide it’s time.
That being said, there is no definite time period for how long a woman should wait before taking that extra step. The only one who can determine this is you, being that you are the one in the relationship. You know how you’re feeling and no one else. The only thing you really can do is wait until you feel it’s right. If you feel better putting a specific time limit, that’s up to you. I would say three months is actually a good time limit if you choose to set one. However, if you still don’t feel ready within those three months then don’t be afraid to wait longer than that. And we can be honest, we’re women and we have needs too. It’s okay if you feel like three months is too long to wait! The most important factor is communication, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about sex and definitely make sure you discuss how you feel about sex, contraceptives, and any other issues you feel may come up. As long as you’re being treated the way you deserve to be treated, then do whatever feels right to you.