Sarah Says…

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live,”—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
 
Q: My boyfriend cheated on me and I love him, but I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. Should I forgive and take him back?

A: When someone cheats in a relationship, the trust is broken. Trust is essential for any healthy relationship. If a couple chooses to continue to try to make amends after someone has cheated, it’s important that both parties work towards building up the trust again, which usually is not an easy task. If you decide to give your boyfriend a second chance, make sure you have open communication. Your boyfriend should understand that he has to take responsibility for his actions and show you that this is something that will not happen again if you want to stay together. Talk about it. Talk about what made him cheat and see what you can do as a couple to assure that it won’t happen again. Even though your boyfriend should be willing to help you trust him again, if you don’t think you can actually forgive him even eventually then I do not suggest pursuing this relationship any further. Forgiving your boyfriend and trusting him again are not going to happen overnight. It’s a process that the two of you should go through together. Forgiving your boyfriend is necessary for the two of you to move on. Otherwise, you may hold resentment against him for what he did and it’ll be impossible for the two of you to move forward. Whether or not you’re able to work things out, remember that the only way a relationship can fail is if you don’t learn anything from it. You may or may not try to work things out, and you may or may not succeed. Either way, take this as a learning experience. Think of the good and the bad in your relationship, and what you can take from it for your future, in this relationship or maybe eventually another one. I wish you the very best of luck in whatever you decide.
 
Q: My mom has always told me that I should wait until I get married to have sex, but I am not as religious as her. I think that I should wait until I find someone that I love, not necessarily for marriage. Am I wrong?

A: Disagreeing with a parent about sex issues is not uncommon at this stage in one’s life, as I’m sure we can all agree. It’s understandable how this can make you feel uneasy. College students go through a lot of personal growth during this time and it’s comforting to be able to turn to a parent for advice or support. But of course there are going to be times when we may not agree with the advice we were given and that’s okay. With that being said, let me say the issue of sex before marriage is one that many people have opinions about, but I do not believe in a right or wrong answer. It varies per person. This is just MY opinion. The time to have sex is when you feel ready and of course, when you find someone you love; when it feels right to YOU. Also, I recommend that when you do find this person you open up the communication lines and talk about sex. Share what it means to you and discuss different birth control options. I encourage you to stay open with your mom. Try saying something along the lines of: “Mom, I really respect you and value your opinion, but I don’t necessarily agree. Even though I have chosen to wait for now, I may decide to have sex before marriage and would really appreciate it if you could respect my opinion as well and be there to guide me through everything, like if I need advice or help with birth control.” This will show your mom that while you still appreciate her, as your mother, you are becoming an adult. However, even though you are two adults with two different opinions (neither being right or wrong), you’re still her daughter and she can still be there for you.

If you have a question you would like to ask Sarah, feel free to send an email to perezklauss@rider.edu.