“I believe that one of life’s greatest risks is never daring to risk.” Oprah Winfrey (1954 – )
Q: I have a good guy friend whom I find really attractive and I would love to make our relationship a friends with benefits type of relationship, but I don’t really know how to make that happen and I’m also worried that it will affect our friendship. What should I do?
A: If this guy really is a good friend then you should just ask him. I say ask him as opposed to making a move because that way nothing can be misconstrued. I would start by casually talking about relationships. See where he’s at; is he looking for a relationship or just enjoying his singlehood? And let him know what you’re looking for. You could say something like, “I would really like to have a friends with benefits type of relationship. Someone who I can hang out with and have a good time without feeling the pressure of a relationship and I actually think it would cool to have you as that someone. No pressure, but what would you think about that?” Hopefully he’ll feel the same way, but even if he doesn’t, at least you can continue on with your friendship before something is done that may change how things are now. Which brings me to my next point; by making your friendship a friends with benefits relationship, you are taking a few risks. Your friendship may change and you may even develop feelings. One thing to look at that can help you determine if you can maintain your friendship even after hooking up is how he is with his ex girlfriends. Even though you do not plan to have a romantic relationship with your friend, seeing if he can maintain a friendship or even if he can be cordial with someone who he once interacted with sexually, will help you to see if he can keep things in perspective and keep up the friendship with you even after you don’t hook up anymore. Eventually one of you will probably want to be in a relationship whether it is with each other or someone else – that is something you have to be prepared to handle.
Another thing to watch out for is catching feelings. That can be from either party. You can’t help if that happens, but make sure you are aware of your feelings and if a relationship is something you do not want, then you have to be willing to cut things off if you do start liking him; and encourage him to do the same. Make sure you are being open and honest with each other. If there’s something weird about you guys hooking up, tell him. If you’re not into it anymore, tell him. You don’t owe him anything in that department…but neither does he. DON’T get jealous. If you see/hear your hookup partner is with another girl you can’t pull the whole girlfriend card, cause you’re not his girlfriend. Set some ground rules. Ask him if it’s okay if you hookup with other guys. But don’t get offended when he wants to do the same with other girls. I would also talk about how often you plan on seeing each other and how exclusive you want this new type of relationship to be. Let’s be real: it’s probably better to keep things just between the two of you and since you are already friends then no one will think much of seeing you guys hanging out anyway. As long as you’re clear and have an understanding that you’re both comfortable with, things should be okay.
Q: What do you do when you’re still in love with an ex but he doesn’t want a relationship right now?
A: Two words: move on! There are two big issues being addressed here. One is still being in love with an ex and the other is waiting for someone. Especially at our age, being a college student with an appetite for adventure, many of us have chosen the single route. This can be a difficult time to balance everything; school, work, and then to add a relationship to that, things can get complicated. So why not stay single? This is the time to really focus on yourself and make decisions just for you, and many of us do so by remaining single. Some of us don’t feel that way. We want to be in a relationship, have someone to spend time with and possible pursue a future relationship with, which is great, but if you’re looking to be in a relationship right now then you need to find someone who wants the same thing. Of course it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when emotions are involved. A lot of times guys (and girls, but mostly guys), see what they want in a girl and think they’re making things better if they tell them that they still care about them, but the timing just isn’t right. We girls have a very powerful love. When we find someone we care about, we want them to have it, we want a chance to show our love and spend time with the person we love, and so we can’t help but wait. This is not a good idea! Things change, who knows when your guy will be ready, or if he’ll even feel the same? Waiting can be painful, don’t put yourself through that.
You might be worried that if you move on, then you won’t be available when he is. I strongly believe that if it’s meant to be, it will happen, but you have to let it just happen, you can’t force it. So don’t try to change your ex’s mind, don’t try to work on a two person relationship by yourself, move on! Live your life the way you want to, just for you! What you need to do is put your love for your ex to the side. Just wrap it up in a little box and put it in the closet. Forget about it and do things for you that make you happy and put you first. I’m not saying forget about your ex completely. You may be on good terms, even friends still, but make sure you do what you need to do for yourself. If you need to spend time away from him, then do that. Have a girl’s night instead! Don’t be afraid to accept a date with a different guy! Take it as a chance to explore other options. How do you know what you do want until you know what you don’t want, right? If you do choose to remain friends with your ex, make it clear that you are just friends. Don’t hook up with him, even at a moment of weakness, and if he starts with the sweet talk, ask him not to. He may genuinely feel that way, but you don’t need to hear it if he doesn’t intend to commit right now. This is your time, girl! Enjoy it!