“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe(1749 – 1832)
Q: I recently found out my ex is now married from a mutual friend. (He’s 24.) Our relationship was always rocky & we finally ended it about a year ago. I have NO desire to be back with him, and I’ve been in other relationships after him, as well. When I heard this news, I’ve been a little sad and bitter to say the least. All these “what if’s” are running through my head right now, and all I can think about is my ex. why is it like this, and how can I make it stop for good!?
A: First off, let me say that the way you’re feeling is perfectly normal. I’m sure every girl reading this can understand what it’s like to feel a little, dare I say, resentful, when you hear an ex has moved on and is happy and these feelings will be probably be intensified if you, yourself, are currently single. Speaking from my own personal experience, every time I go through a break up or am rejected, I always tell myself, “that’s okay, I can do better.” So if I see an ex and he has a new girlfriend, or this case, a wife, I wonder if maybe I was wrong; did I miss something? Did I lose an awesome guy? Maybe it was him who could do better? I’m glad you asked this question because I realize that this probably is not the best mentality to have. There probably are plenty of cases when one really can do better, but there may be cases where both people who were in the relationship are good people and even if it didn’t work out have the ability to be a quality boyfriend or girlfriend, even if it wasn’t in that particular relationship. It basically just comes down to, it wasn’t meant to be.
A lot of us, not just girls, but boys too, feel as if we have to one up our ex’s. How many times have you heard your ex is going to be at an event you’re attending, so you make sure you look super good, or that whoever on your arm looks better than your ex? Now, no one wants to see their ex on a day when they look a hot mess and/ or completely alone. Your ex has to see that you’re okay; you’ve moved on, you’re happy! But why is there a sudden competition that has been triggered from your break up? I’m not saying that you are actively competing with your ex, but subconsciously you probably do want to do better than him. Being that your ex is married now, it may feel like he is the one who is doing better. From what I can tell, your ex is probably a pretty good guy and a good spouse, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not. He’s found someone that he feels can spend the rest of his life with, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t a good potential wife or that you did something wrong in the relationship, it just means that it wasn’t meant to be with you guys, but don’t worry, your time will come. You just need to remember that and I promise you this thinking will stop. Sometimes the reasons relationship don’t work is because there is someone who is not particularly better than your ex, but better FOR YOU, and if you a take what you’ve learned from your past relationship then I promise you, he will come and you’ll be ready!
Q: Do you think a relationship where the couple goes to different schools can work?
A: There is not a definite answer to this question, it definitely depends on each individual couple, but there are some things that can make a long distance relationship better. The first thing is if there was an already established relationship before the relationship became long distance, so for example a two year relationship will probably work out better then a two month relationship. The first few months of a relationship is the time when the relationship is still being built. Your patterns as a couple, such as how you communicate, how often do you see each other, are still being learned. Your understanding for each other, as well as your trust and respect for each other, are still being built. These are all important building blocks in a relationship and it can be difficult to establish these boundaries when the relationship is long distance. However, if you have the chance to figure all this out before the relationship becomes long distance then I promise you, it will be way easier to make it work. Also, if you’ve been with someone with two years, then you are probably pretty sure of your feelings for this person, but if your boyfriend or girlfriend relocates after two months of being together, it’s probably easier to be tempted. You haven’t even gotten much a chance of being with him or her and now you have to get used to being with them, while he or she is technically not even here! And of course if you haven’t established that trust yet, being in a long distance relationship can bring up a lot of uneasy feelings.
Some other things can help to make a long distance relationship work is communicating. Keeping in touch, make sure you still make the time to talk to each other. Occasionally texting throughout the day can definitely help, but I recommend that you take the time to have some personable conversation, whether it’s a phone call or Skype; do something that will help you both to remember what it is that you love about each other. Hopefully that is who they as a person and that will shine when you do talk. Keeping that in mind, one of the most important things that I recommend in making a long distance relationship work is to make sure you both are still enjoying the lives that you have chosen. Yes, you are both at different schools and they may be far away, but you did choose this school so enjoy it! Make sure you are still having a life outside of missing your spouse and now you have more to talk about. Last, but not least, don’t be afraid to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about how your feeling. It doesn’t mean you have to argue about it, but come up with a strategy on how to communicate your feelings to each other and take it as an opportunity to be there for each other. Maybe even come up with something that you can do to help with the stress if being in a long distance relationship. Pick a TV show to watch on the phone together every week, play some phone games like “21 questions,” the “ABC game,” the “Story game” or even “Truth or Dare!” Long distance relationships are not easy, but if you do your best to communicate, keep it positive and remind each other of the things you like about each other that make you stick it out then you can make it work.