It happens to the best of us. You are in a great relationship with someone you think is The One, but then something goes wrong. Breakups can be rough or they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. They can cause even the most cool, collected chick to curl into a fetal position on the floor for days. Fortunately, even though it may seem as though there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, there is. Every girl (and boy) goes through at least one breakup that isn’t mutual or good. So, without further ado, here is a list I compiled of steps to take that will help you deal with getting over your ex.
Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively
Go ahead and mull it over as many times as necessary, but within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn’t a good reason, there certainly was one – and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it was going to end eventually, no matter what.
Don’t rethink your decision
If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not yours. It’s very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren’t so bad after all, that maybe you could just live with her/him. Don’t play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
Keep your space
Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook, and no IM’s. This doesn’t have to be permanent, just until you can converse with him/her on a completely platonic level. If s/he tries to convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you’re reliving the past by seeing him/her, it’s not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again.
Cope with the pain appropriately
It’s okay to feel like you have messed up – accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you’re not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.
Deal with the hate phase
This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable. You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling quickly! It’s a waste of time and energy to tear yourself apart over something you no longer have control over.
Talk to friends
Having those who love you around will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with caring, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you’ll find it easier to get steady on your feet again. But beware of the friends that want to hook you up with someone else, this is something you don’t need right now.
Make a list of reminders
One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear — this is not the time to be forgiving. What you’re doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that “maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out…” Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then tell yourself, “This is the truth of what it was like. Why would I want to go back and torture myself again?” If you’re caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don’t deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: “Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!”
Out with the old, in with the new
A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn’t require a lot of brainpower, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room, get some new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As insignificant as cleaning up sounds, it’ll make you feel better.
Remove memory triggers
There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex – a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving period has had some time to process, don’t dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. This can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it’s a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there’s nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you’ve given yourself some time and space. Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a box in a place you’ll never go. Out of sight, out of mind.
Find happiness in other areas of your life
Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, signing up for that class you’ve always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
Get active
Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step.
Let go
Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn’t work out this time, there will be a next time.
Healing from a broken relationship is never easy, but it can be done. Whether the relationship was everything you ever wanted, or everything you didn’t want, the healing process after it ends remains the same.