Dear Danielle: These days I feel like people have two separate personalities: one in real life and another on their iPhone. Whether it’s a text, email or updates on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve noticed it with some of my girlfriends but the area where it annoys me the most is with my boyfriend. We’ll have an argument in person, but then he’ll text me “I’m sorry :)” and the next time I see him it’s like nothing happened. Or he’ll send me messages on Facebook or tweet me certain things that he would never do in person. I don’t want our relationship to be digital. I want it to be real. Do you have any advice?
Dear Sick of Typing: You’ve struck a chord with this question. I hate the abuse of text messaging. I think it should be used exclusively for very few situations: Letting someone know that you’re running late, communicating with someone when you’re in the library or on the opposite side of a large room, and if or when you need a one word response to a simple question.
All other uses should be avoided. Relationships are confusing enough and sometimes connecting via text can complicate it even more. There’s no context, tone, voice, or facial expressions to modify or direct your message. There is also this sense of added confidence that people get when they don’t have to look into the eyes of the person they are communicating with. Essentially, texting is communicating for the lazy, cowardly and mobile. You send a text when you don’t really want to talk to someone, but you want to let them know you’re thinking of them, or tell them something important. You know that talking face-to-face might be harder, and you just decide to take the easy way out. And what can be more flattering than conveying, electronically, the idea that you don’t want to talk to your girlfriend?
As for solving your digital dilemma, it’s simple: Guys, no matter the age, usually respond to actions more than words. Women, we’re the opposite. Even though we should be going by our guys’ actions, we typically listen to what they tell us first. But guys listen to actions; it’s the way they hear. So if your boyfriend keeps communicating to you (especially about serious issues that were meant to be solved face-to-face) via Facebook, Twitter, Email, text etc. and you don’t feel comfortable then simply do not make yourself available to him from those media. This may sound drastic, but trust me, he’ll get the point. Eventually. There is so much we can communicate with guys and they’ll get it, through actions.
Send your questions to browndan@rider.edu.