Ah, January 1st. A day with such hope…that ultimately leads to failure right around Valentines Day. Eveyone starts the year optimistically, with resolutions to better themselves, yet so many collegiettes fall short year after year. Since I’ve had twenty years of New Years experience, and clearly understand everything and can pass ultimate authority on all things New Years related, I have come to the conclusion that New Years resolutions fail not because of a lack of ambition, motivation, or suitable alternatives for cheese fries, but rather boredom.
Honestly, I cannot think of anything more cliché than saying triumphantly on January 1st, “this year, I’m going to lose weight!” Really? That phrase is uttered so often you might as well be declaring “Sometimes, I like to breathe.” What’s going to set you apart is something really unique. Something distinct. Something that makes everyone around you lift their shoulders, shoot each other looks of disbelief, and whisper, “what the $#@%?” Granted, I’m not actually sure how this is going to yield a higher success rate. But I think there’s got to be some sort of tenuous relationship between absolute ridicule, irrational action, and staying power. How else would you explain the popularity of Toddlers & Tiaras, Amish Mafia, or actually, any show currently airing on TLC?
To help y’all out, I’ve provided a few examples.
Instead of saying, “I’m going to quit smoking” say, “Every time I feel the urge to smoke, I’m going to buy a whole pack of Hubba Bubba bubble tape, unroll it as fast as I can, and then shove all three feet into my mouth until I can only breathe through my nose and pink drool starts dripping out of the right corner of my lips and then try to shove a cigarette into my mouth.”
Instead of declaring triumphantly, “I want to be more patient,” promise “When I feel the urge to slap the random stranger who feels it necessary to debate the intricacies of the Starbucks menu every single freaking morning and then orders the exact same medium cup of decaf, I am going to launch into a choreographed song-and-dance routine, complete with somersaults, so I can begin to burn the calories I’m about to consume anyways after ordering my Venti caramel macchiato with extra whipped cream.” As an added bonus, there’s a chance that you can take the annoying-coffee-order-er out with your heel click, thus completing your resolution in a slightly different way. ‘
And finally, instead of saying “I’m going to eat healthier,” vow “every time someone tempts me with a donut, ice cream cone, or calorie-laden burger (and yes, this includes food trucks and restaurants), I will treat each presentation of a traditionally unhealthy food as an invitation to share with the entire world my New Years Resolution for healthiness, climbing upon tables or chairs or random peoples’ shoulders to publically admonish fat-laden treats in a oration your high school speech teacher would be proud of until 1). The questionable food “disappears” when people run away out of fear of their own personal safety from the lunatic making the speech or 2). I am personally escorted out if the establishment by local law enforcement officers and given a restraining order, thus prohibiting me from eating that food anyways.”
Now, let me emphasize again, I make no promises that this process will lead to any sort of success. But, darn, will it be hilarious for a month or two. And while y’all are shoving candy in your mouth and being dragged from local eateries, I will be “continuing to write useless articles for a blog in a desperate attempt to completely ignore the fact that I will (most likely) spend yet another summer not using my English major but rather nannying, thus perpetuating my unemployment and bringing me one step closer to moving in with my parents post graduation.”
Happy New Year, Rhodants! Have a glorious 2013.