Parking at Rhodes; could another combination of three words in the Rhodes context elicit a more *insert emoji with two-eyes-and-a-line-for-a-mouth face here* reaction out of a Rhodes student?
Personally I have difficulty grappling with several phrases I hear across campus: “You’re out of Lynx Bucks two weeks into the semester,” “We can’t make anything with Espresso today,” “Rush is deferred.” But I digress—and none of those are three words. Except for the last one. The last one is definitely three words.
But “parking at Rhodes” is the worst. Parking at Rhodes is a whole another monster; a big, nonexistent monster. Literally. Nonexistent. Parking here just…doesn’t exist. I mean…do a bunch of people from the Memphis community come to this campus to park, get out of their cars, leave their cars, and never come back? Call me crazy, but don’t call me when you can’t find a parking spot. Because I’m too busy taking yours.
But I’ve learned through my experience of ignoring speedbumps and stalking innocent pedestrians walking to their cars that there is a code you must follow when trying to procure a parking spot at Rhodes College—see my advice below.
1. Class at 8 am: leave house by 7 am.
2. Class at 9 am: leave house by 6 am.
3. Class at 10 am: leave house by 5 am.
4. Class at 11 am: sleep in your car the night before.
5. Going 40 mph through the frat lot is the only way to beat the twenty other cars also speeding through the frat lot.
6. But if you are one of twenty cars speeding around the frat lot, you may as well leave. Your least favorite person at this school was the one who just got the last spot. Because that’s the way things work here.
7. If you see someone walking within a half-mile radius of any parking lot, tail them. They are your only hope.
8. And when I say tail them—tail them. Keep two feet between your bumper and their heels at all times. No. One foot. One foot is better.
9. Don’t even try the freshman lot. Unless there’s an ice storm and you want a pine tree to fall on your car.* Then by all means, park in the freshman lot!!!
10. Park on the street if you’d like, but that involves parallel parking, which sucks. And if you like parallel parking/think you’re good at it, you’re wrong.
11. You may have a fighting chance in the EV lot. You are definitely going to be late to class. But you have a chance.
12. Walk to school.
13. Bike to school.
14. Teleport to school.
15. Don’t go to school.
16. Go to school. You should go to school.
17. …………….yeah. That’s all I got. Good luck tomorrow guys.
*This is a true story experienced by the author, who is still bitter.