The world is due for a quasi-apocalypse less than a year from now, as predicted by Sir Isaac Newton (that famous guy everyone knows); by Jeane Dixon (who correctly predicted the JFK assassination and authored a horoscope book for dogs and an astrological cookbook); and by a 1973 computer program (which warns that “[b]y 2020, the quality of life on Earth will decrease rapidly and the condition of the planet will become very critical”). However, despite how dire our circumstances as earthlings may look, I guarantee that we can survive this catastrophe. All we need is a little bit––well, actually, a lot of––cheese. I do not exaggerate in the slightest, but I say this with absolute certainty: CHEESE WILL SAVE THE DAY.
Firstly, and most obviously, cheese provides delicious and necessary nutrition. Calcium! phosphorus! and protein! So if we need to preserve one source of food, cheese is the way. And sure, eating too much cheese can raise your cholesterol, your blood pressure, and your risk of kidney disease, constipation, and osteoporosis, but that’s not a guarantee. Speaking strictly about Americans, most people enjoy cheese regularly; each American eats about thirty-five pounds of cheese a year.
Secondly, we need cheese to ensure that we have shelters built to sustain the impending disaster, and we need civil engineers to do that. Statistics show that as the consumption of mozzarella cheese increases, so does the number of civil engineering doctorates awarded per year. So basically, in order to know for an absolute fact we have enough civil engineers to build those bunkers, we, as a species, must all do our part in eating more mozzarella.
Image Credit: Tyler Vigen
Thirdly, cheese will be an important alternative form of energy. We don’t know what natural resources we will be afforded after this calamity, so we might not be able to rely on the usual marine, hydroelectric, wind, geothermal, or solar power energy. Luckily for everyone, cheese is a great alternative source of power! As of today, a French power plant in Albertville already uses a byproduct of Beaufort cheese to create electricity, and since cheese has been around since 8000 BCE, I imagine it’ll be around much longer to provide the needed power to survive the apocalypse.
Fourthly, if we are low in supplies of what’s needed to make cheese, that’ll be a-okay! Because scientists have made cheese from bacteria from the human toe, armpit, belly button, and mouth. Think about the possibilities–we could use the cheese made from Elton John’s big toe to power the light bulbs in our bunkers!
Lastly, during the apocalypse, we are going to need to make sure people are going to have the happiest it’s-the-end-of-the-world vibes, and cheese will bring people together, whether by drawing them to dinner parties with cheese-only dishes or by inspiring creative outlets for discussion and stress relief with poems and songs that praise cheese! It will ensure that a community persists even in the darkest of times.
Without cheese, no one will make it out of 2020 alive, but with it, we will survive, and we will survive happily. After all, even in an end-of-the-world situation, no one can resist smiling when they hear, “Say cheese,” because cheese, being “milk’s leap toward immortality,” is resilient, tasty, and never out of style.