Since Valentine’s Day is a few days away, it’s never too early to start thinking about how to honor your dearie, whoever that may be. And, boy, have I got a brilliant idea for you.
You’ve heard of naming a star or maybe even a highway after that special someone that makes your heart go pitter-patter, but have you ever heard of naming a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach after your Valentine?
Because, let me tell you, it is genuinely the most romantic thing you could do for someone. All you have to do is go to the Bronx Zoo website, fill out a form with your guy/gal’s name and email, donate $15 to a good cause (the Wildlife Conservation Society), and botta-bing-botta-boom, you have a soulmate for eternity. 100% guarantee. Because being compared to a Madagascar hissing cockroach is the ultimate form of flattery.
If you don’t believe me, I have to say you’re an untrusting fool because I am a person you should always blindly believe, but regardless, lend an ear (or really, an eyeball) to these wise, dare I say infallible, points.
If you were to name a cockroach after a special someone, this is what you would be saying:
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Your person of interest has wooed you just as a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach’s mating hiss woos its potential mates.
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Your relationship with your person of interest is meaningful to you, just like a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach’s symbiotic relationship with the mites that live on its undersides is meaningul to them. (Goals, am I right?)
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Your person of interest can do anything they set their minds to, just like a colony of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches, who can eat a single carrot in a day.
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Your person of interest is superior to all the others just like a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach is superior to crickets as animal food, according to Jungle Bob.
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Your relationship with your person of interest is going to last a looooong time, just like a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach’s lifespan, which is loooong for a roach. (Up to 5 whole years!)
So the main takeaway is: instead of chocolates and roses and teddy bears and dinner reservations, get that someone you want to charm a fancy-shmancy online certificate that declares that a cockroach has been named in their honor.
Also, not gonna lie, I mainly wrote this as a big ole HINT to a certain Nicholas S. I know we were only girlfriend and boyfriend in kindergarten, but we never broke up, so I expect a Valentine’s present this year because you’ve really been slacking the past fourteen years.