Recently I was browsing social media and came across a post saying that Johnny Depp was “officially uncancelled.” At the risk of sounding uncultured, I’ll admit that I hadn’t known him to be “canceled” in the first place. In 2016, Amber Heard (Depp’s ex-wife) had taken part in the #MeToo movement by opening up as a victim of domestic abuse during her brief marriage to Depp, which is what caused a multitude to cancel him. This very same multitude is now revoking their cancellations in light of Depp’s $50 million lawsuit against Heard on the grounds of defamation and infidelity.
His defense against Heard’s accusation of domestic violence hinges on the opposite being true—that she had abused him—and according to an article written by Joshua Espinoza of COMPLEX, Depp and his team presented a substantial stack of evidence including (but not limited to) 87 surveillance tapes. I don’t want to pass any judgments on the Depp v. Heard suit, because who of us can know the truth of the matter? I’ll leave that to the court. I do, however, want to address the abuse.
While it is true that the majority of domestic abuse cases reported involve a female victim (85% according to the FaithTrust Institute), and it is important that we advocate for them, but I think that in 2019 we need to come to terms with the reality that men can and do suffer as well. It’s one of the harshest realities of being human—this realization that we are all capable of more than we realize. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says that 1 in 7 men over the age of 18 has suffered domestic violence (http://www.thehotline.org/2014/07/22/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too).
My older brother is 1 in 7. After 3 years of sexually, emotionally, and physically abusing my brother, his wife threatened her own life before attacking him. He wrestled the weapon from her hand but succumbed to a severe anxiety attack while she took their children and left him. Hours later he was taken into police custody.
The last couple of years have seen him incarcerated, diagnosed with PTSD, admitted to a mental health facility, dragged through numerous court proceedings, divorced, and now locked in a brutal custody battle. Time and time again, she’s put her children in harm’s way, but social services will not remove them from her unless they’ve been too hurt to ignore. My brother feels powerless, restless.
I sometimes wonder how much we could have prevented if we hadn’t taken for granted the fact that men can be abused too, that women can be abusive, that there are ways to help. If you’ve found yourself with similar thoughts, there are some things I need you to know. First, it is not your fault if someone you love is suffering at the hands of someone else. Second, remember that you can not rescue them. But you can help them and there are resources available.
Here’s a small list of signs that may be present in an abusive relationship:
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their partner puts them down in front of other people
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they are depressed and/or anxious
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they are self-conscious and fear angering their partner
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their partner is possessive
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they withdraw from activity outside of the relationship
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they have unexplained absences or injuries
And here are some ways to care for those around you that may be the victims of domestic violence (as listed by The National Domestic Violence Hotline):
1. Acknowledge that they are in a complex and frightening situation and offer them support and comfort. Let them know that it isn’t their fault and that they do not deserve this treatment. Let them know that you care about them and are willing to listen.
2. Do not criticize them when they struggle to leave or stay away from their partner. Do not guilt them.
3. If they end the relationship, support them while they mourn its loss. They may feel more lonely and insecure in the wake.
4. Encourage them to participate in activities outside of the relationship with people that care for them and that they can trust.
5. Help them develop a safety plan—if you don’t know where to start, the Hotline’s website offers help (link listed below).
6. Encourage them to get support from people who can provide guidance and support, like a local domestic violence agency, counselor, or support group. Call the hotline at 1-800-799-7233 if you’re unsure where your nearest resources are located.
7. Remember that you can not rescue them. You can help them find safety and peace, but you are not responsible for their actions or those of their partner. Don’t let yourself develop toxic behavior because of your good intentions.
One last thing. I would feel extremely irresponsible if I closed this article without saying that it is important to understand that victims can easily fall into abusive patterns too. While it is important to help those in need, you can not help them irresponsibly. Like all good airlines instruct, put on your face mask before helping someone else with theirs. You’re not a superhero and that’s okay. Before you take any action steps for someone else’s sake, speak to someone you trust about the matter. This will keep you accountable and help you to do your part responsibly. Your counselors and pastor have likely been trained for such circumstances, so they can help you.
You deserve to be safe and at peace.
Listed below are some additional resources:
thehotline.org | The National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-7233. thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety | How to develop a safety plan malesurvivor.org | Provides resources for male survivors of sexual trauma thehotline.org/help/for-abusive-partners/ | How to recognize if you are hurting your partner and how to seek help