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Pet Names
– They call you needy, immature, irresponsible, stupid, unimportant, and this is both through their behavior and their word choice. They belittle you and put you down and make you question your self-worth/importance. Odds are none of what they say is true and it’s just a projection of their own insecurity. Regardless, you deserve better.
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You Spend All Your Time Together
-You hang out with your friends less due to them being uncomfortable/judgemental of them. This results in less time outside of/away from the relationship. Your significant other might also accuse your friend of unsavory behavior in order to cause distance between you and the people who could point out their behavior. This eventually leads to the only person you spend time with being your significant other. All of this lets them maximize the control they have over you and the relationship.
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Transparency
– They will demand or convince you that having free access to each other’s devices at any time is healthy, no matter the circumstances. But this will mostly be for your devices. They will come up with reasons as to why you shouldn’t look at their devices, or they will abuse their access to your devices. And due to all the accessibility to your device, they might even start accusing you of inappropriate behavior you may (or may not) have done. However, that’s not the case. You’re just trying to live your life and they spin things to make you stop questioning your relationship, and start questioning yourself, regardless of whether you’ve even done anything questionable.
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Quick Intimacy
-You just met, started dating, have already told each other you love the other, and now they’re asking for sex, or pushing you into intimate situations even though you have just met. They probably are also saying its because you don’t find them attractive that you haven’t had sex, or because you don’t really love them even though that couldn’t be further from the truth. After all, you do say you love them, and yet they don’t believe it. And if you’re being honest with yourself, it’s starting not to feel like love, and more like a chore.
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Protectiveness
-They get uncomfortable when you hang out with people that are not them, especially members of the opposite sex or whoever you’re sexually attracted to. Heck, it may not even be anyone you’re attracted to, just your friend, but your significant other is seeing red and shaking with anger. They say they’re just overprotective, but really they are just trying to keep you to themselves and under their thumb. Hell, if they are really mad, they might even “punish” you. But that’s not their freaking job; they are not your parent, and if they lay a hand on you that causes pain, either emotional or physical, that is not a love tap, dear. That is abuse. And abuse has no excuse.
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Expectations
-They have high expectations, but those expectations are just for you. They wouldn’t be caught dead doing what they ask of you. Heck, they probably don’t even ask. It’s more likely they throw a tantrum, yelling and screaming, saying terrible things to you that cause you pain.They may even threaten you in the midst of all this. And worst yet the person who says they love you doesn’t even apologize for this behavior. Yet when they are hurt the world owes them more, You owe them more, especially way more than just an apology. Odds are if they feel slightly offended or bothered by something you go from being gold to them, to being something they scrape off their shoe. And you or anyone else does not deserve this treatment, regardless of what they have said to you.
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Boundaries
-Nothing you do is ever good enough for them. They constantly change what they expect from you, or what they are ok with you doing. One day it could be fine for you to hang out with your best friend, and the next day if you do it, it’s the worst possible thing you could do. Oh, and from your significant other’s perspective, you are probably sleeping with your best friend.
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Playful Attitude
-They write everything off as if they were only joking or pretending. But let’s be real for a second, sweetheart, if they keep joking and it hurts you, and it keeps going on, it’s not a joke. And if they have to say its a joke, it not a joke. No good joke, well-meaning or well done, is followed by “it was just a joke” or “ I was only kidding”. If it was just a joke, if they were only kidding, they wouldn’t have to excuse their behavior, and they would stop when you say it hurts. Regardless, of the jokes they say to you, it is not a reflection of you, but themselves. And you sincerely deserve so much better.
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Sensitivity
-They say they are sensitive, and you believe them because they are constantly getting upset. Not just that, they get hurt by such little things. And they constantly point out how you hurt them, and how terrible you are because of that, regardless, if it was an accident. In fact, accidents don’t exist to them. You just want to hurt them, cause them pain, just like everyone else, or at least that’s what they say. After a while, you may start to believe everything they say as the truth even when you know different. They may even try to state their word is more accurate than yours on issues that are your own personal experience, and that’s called gaslighting.They have convinced you to believe in a lie that anyone could see wasn’t the truth. And the worst lie? They make you believe that you are supposed to be together.
If you read this all the way to the end thank you. In our world, we know the importance of relationships, and yet every year in the United States, approximately 10 million men and women are abused. Unfortunately, on Regent’s campus, I have been witness to many unhealthy, and maybe abusive relationships. The best way to stop this, and help out is educating yourself/others on abusive behaviors, and developing healthy relationship habits instead of reacting through insecurity. If you took the time to read this through, please also take the time to send this to everyone you know. You could help end a potentially dangerous and toxic relationship before it’s even started. If you read this and relate to this too much, please reach out and get some help. If that is too much, please tell a family member, friend, or educate yourself on the nature of abuse and how to handle it. Above all, remember this: abuse has no excuse, and at no point should you have to justify the pain another person has caused you in order for it to make sense for you to stay with them.
Works Cited:
“NCADV | National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.” The Nation’s Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, ncadv.org/statistics?gclid=Cj0KCQiA_4jgBRDhARIsADezXciAVLsAPXx7WqKQ6x4vx-1uTp_mcDooHz00remClueDHNCQe8wnlwQaAs7BEALw_wcB.
“Dating Abuse Statistics.” Loveisrespect.org, www.loveisrespect.org/resources/dating-violence-statistics/.
“Warning Signs.” Break the Cycle, 6 Mar. 2018, www.breakthecycle.org/warning-signs?gclid=Cj0KCQiA_4jgBRDhARIsADezXcg3_8….
Maddela, Mika. “9 Signs You’re Definitely In A Soul-Sucking, Toxic Relationship.” YourTango, 4 May 2018, www.yourtango.com/experts/yourtango-experts/warning-signs-toxic-relation….
“21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.” Psych Central, 16 July 2017, psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/.