So I’ve mentioned before that I’ve gone through a lot of different feelings and positions about growing up both African and African-American. I’m still learning things about myself and both of my not always compatible heritages, but there are a few things that trigger no emotional landmines. These simple things are what I’ve chose to talk about today, because I don’t think they’re talked about enough. Of course, there is a quick disclaimer that this is not claiming certain experiences are exclusively ethnic or exclusively not-ethnic. If you experienced these and you are not considered ethnic, or you are considered ethnic but have not, that is perfectly fine. There is no need for an identity crisis! Just enjoy this list and relate where you can, and learn where you can’t.
1. Having family you can’t communicate with
A lot of us ethnic kids never really learned the languages our parents or grandparents speak, so we’re constantly smiling, nodding, and miming out actions whenever there are big family get-togethers. I personally have never really been able to have a full conversation with my Grandma, and sometimes I really hate that. My Grandma is an amazing, strong woman who has dealt with some of the worst things in life, and still came out on the other side smiling and making amazing jollof rice. It is honestly a loss that I cannot ask her how she does both of those things in a language both of us understand.
2. Feeling awkward about having friends over for dinner
I mentioned my Grandma’s amazing jollof rice, which is an excellent African dish (primarily Ghanaian and Nigerian, I believe) that my mother also makes frequently, though she is the African-American half of my parents. In fact, for most of my life, my mother cooked more like a Ghanaian woman than one from Alabama. And while I may be used to banku and egg stew for dinner, I don’t know of a lot of my American friends who would take it all in stride. It is often the ethnic kid’s struggle deciding whether or not to debrief their friends before a simple meal, just in case the idea of eating a whole fish with its eye staring right at them might ruin their appetites.
4. Having standards of modesty that none of your friends do
I still have vivid memories of wearing floor length skirts and dresses while my friend gallivanted about in short-shorts and tank tops. I remember church outings where all the kids rough-housed and played around, and I simply couldn’t because I was wearing a skirt and a nice blouse. Ethnic parents don’t generally dress their kids for comfort or casual get-togethers. Notice I said “dress their kids.” That is because ethnic parents will dress you until you are much too old to be dressed. Not physically usually, but they have a say in your wardrobe that I haven’t noticed a lot of other parents have. I can still remember the first time I wore jeans my father had not pre-approved. Now that’s a thrill that I will not soon forget!
4. Having academic standards that most of your friends don’t
This one is a classic. Does your teacher tell you that C’s are the average? That B’s are actually for excellent work and A’s are for outstandingly excellent work? Yeah, ethnic parents operate on another scale: A’s are acceptable. Everything else is not. So when your friends’ parents take them out for ice cream for passing all their classes with mostly B’s, your parents just check your report card for the A’s they know they’re going to see. There just are no other options.
5. Having a respect for authority that most of your friends won’t
Most ethnic kids know that people older than you are to be respected and obeyed. Whether or not we choose to do that when we are away from our family is a whole other thing, but the fact is that we all know. We know that the oldest eats first and excuses the younger ones from the table. We know that when your parents say no, they really mean NO. No bargaining, no tantrums, no sulking. Those are the fastest routes to a sore behind and all your privileges being stripped away. Even when your average ethnic kid acts out, they do it with the full knowledge that life is about to get very unpleasant very quickly, because ethnic moms can always sniff out any wrong-doing. Oh, it may take them a while, but they will look for you will, they will find you, and they will kill you. Slowly. With lots of love. And pain.
Image Credit: Cover, 1.