It’s hard to recall the last time I’ve heard a girl complain about not having a boyfriend. Instead, what we want is much less complicated and much more realistic….in theory. There’s an eerie resemblance between happy hour gossip with girlfriends and beer-soaked banter of frat boys across the room.
It seems that college girls prefer consistency above all. A consistent hookup is much more desirable than an inconsistent boyfriend. It appears that we’ve lost sight of this ‘insane’ idea of what a college relationship should be like. We don’t aim to have cute stories about meeting our husbands at the QU vs Yale championship game, crying in his arms if we lose. We don’t prowl the Toad’s stage hoping to meet someone who will still be interesting post-Harlem Shake. College relationships are as little a priority to us as they are to the guys we get with.
The “feminine” side of relationships apparently fell off the radar. Stigmas of needy girls and blasphemous boys attempting to date each other have evaporated. Whether it’s because we are this close to getting equal pay or because we are getting married that much later in life, something is making us obsessed with being on a bachelor’s level. Sometimes its hard not to think that guys enjoy the masculine edge we’ve adopted. Are we using boys, or are they using us?
All of a sudden, we are going out of our way to not have feelings for guys. Our biggest fear is being the girl who wants affection and attention. We are no longer in utter shock if they don’t pay for our dinner or walk us home. And if we act like we ever expected that in the first place? We’ve been blacklisted with every other “clingy” date he’s ever had. Being independent is great, but so is being with a chivalrous guy.
There is certainly no reason that a college girl can’t be happy without a guy by her side. In fact, that might be the secret key to our happiness! The problem arises when there is a guy by her side – a sucky guy, at that – and she feels that she can’t have a say in where the relationship, friendship, friends-with-benefits-ship, etc. is sailing. How the hell can we find a happy medium between totally distant and completely attached?
One solution could be to give the outliers a chance. Don’t label who’d be “a good hookup” or “a good boyfriend” straightaway. You really don’t know that until you spend time with him. He paid for dinner – but is it only because he thinks you might reward him later on? You have never made a public appearance together – but is it because he’s too nervous to ask you on a date? We’ll never know unless we get the balls to find out, no pun intended.
This is obviously easier said than done. We can sit around nursing cranberry vodkas with roommates for hours on end, discussing how much we don’t like this guy and only want to hookup with that guy. It’s cool if that’s the complete and utter truth, but if it’s not: stop pretending! There’s a fine line between psycho-bitch and cool-mannered; we have such a strong fear of being perceived as the former that we never actually get to be the latter. Just because you are curious about your relationship with a guy doesn’t mean you are in love with him. And if the dude doesn’t understand that, he’s too stupid for you anyway.
A lot of the time we trap ourselves with the initial “I will never want anything more from you” front we put on. Of course, it’s completely possible to actually feel that way throughout the length of knowing someone, but you catch my drift. There’s a reason that there are so many warnings against having a “friends with benefits”; someone usually falls a little deeper into it than the other. Don’t be freaked when it happens, whether it’s you or him. There’s no need to write someone off because of a hole you both dug yourselves into.
I’m not sure if I solved anything with this rant. However, hopefully it provides encouragement to stand up to that guy and get what you want from him. Just because you tell your friends you’re using him, whether it be for free dinners or convenient hookups, doesn’t mean he isn’t doing the same. Making sure you’re on the same page with your “whatever-it-may-be-ship” could save you a whole lot of stress, a whole lot of time, and a whole lot of calories once you and the girls don’t need to discuss it over drinks anymore.
There is nothing wrong with receiving the treatment that you deserve and desire from a guy, whatever that may be. To go along with what someone else wants solely for their benefit, and being afraid to admit that it’s not benefitting you, is a complicated way of saying that you’re settling. QU may have a scary 70/30 girl/guy ratio, but that doesn’t mean this is the only guy you will be attracted to during these four years (although it feels that way now!). Being a nonchalant hookup is fine if that’s what you want to be, but don’t feed into the idea that we have to be emotionless in order to be desirable. If you can’t be yourself with your guy, then it’s time to be out.