Content Warning: this article mentions sexual assault/rape.
You’ve heard the dreaded phrase, and probably wish to never hear it again: Not all men!
While this phrase may be a common one, it’s only common in certain, specific circumstances. It is the defence mechanism; the attempt to silence, to shift blame, to avoid guilt. In the wake of the Sarah Everard murder at the beginning of March, women are more terrified than ever, and the “not all men” rhetoric has resurfaced from its hiatus.
Now, you might be wondering what’s wrong with this phrase. Shouldn’t men have a chance to defend themselves? To this, I say, sure. Certainly, not all men are rapists, and not all men do sexually harass women. However, you’re missing the point.
The first problem with this argument is the fact that no one was even talking about all men to begin with. When women share their experiences, they’re doing just that––sharing their own, personal experiences. Yes, when a woman is sexually assaulted or harassed by a man, her experience involves a man. However, one man made her feel uncomfortable or unsafe, not every single man on the planet. To immediately assume a woman is making this generalization stems from a man’s own insecurities.
While men may think they’re contributing something progressive to the conversation in saying “not all men”, they’re actually doing the exact opposite. To use this phrase or some combination of it is to divert the conversation from what’s most important (women’s experiences with sexual assault, rape and harassment) to men’s egos. Frankly, the last thing I want to do as a woman sharing my sexual assault story is to cater to men who I may have “offended” by saying I was groped in a bar.
But sexual assault happens to men, too!
Yes, it does. And, better yet, no one ever claimed it didn’t––although, the rates of sexual assault and rape amongst women are much higher than they are amongst men. In 2019, Statistics Canada released results from a survey about sexual assault. According to the survey, women were more likely than men to have experienced an incident of sexual assault within the 12 months preceding the survey. As well, one in three women experienced sexual harassment in public as compared to one in eight men. Ask any of your female friends if they’ve ever been sexually harassed or assaulted: chances are they will all say yes.
So, sure, not all men. But while it may not be you, it’s your friend. It’s your brother. And by proxy, it is you. It’s you for letting your friend take that drunk girl home. It’s you for laughing when your friend catcalls out of his car window. It’s you for not putting in the active work to make sure women feel safe.
Here’s a personal example: I was sexually assaulted when I was fifteen by a close friend and ex. When I told some of our mutual male friends what had happened, I was immediately questioned. Was I sure? Did I misinterpret the situation? I must have, since there was no way my assaulter could have done something like that. I received no support, and the blame was even redirected to me and what I could have done wrong in the situation. So, not only was I assaulted, but I was dismissed by the same men who would go on to claim how sexist it is to group all men together as predators.
Sure, these friends may not have been the ones who assaulted me––but you can bet I never felt safe around them again.
“Not all men” is not about standing up for men. It is about silencing women. If you haven’t done so before, I urge you to think about why men are only introducing this rhetoric when it’s in response to women sharing their stories. If men really cared about making sure women know that not all men are predators and that we can feel safe around the majority of them, then they have to put in the work to make this happen.
Don’t tell women how to change: teach men not to rape.