I’ve always been – how do you put this? – boy crazy. Even during my days in the schoolyard, talking to and about cute boys has always been exciting and fun for me. As I grew older, talking to cute boys became more about validation, even if I didn’t realize it.
I learned from a young age how much they suck, too.
When little Timmy showed no signs of interest in me when I asked him to be my partner in class, it made me feel unlovable. Even into high school, when the older boy I had a crush on – the one who would text me kissy faces and hearts – started spreading rumours about me and talking badly about me to his friends unprovoked, I was so confused as to why. I didn’t do anything wrong, and never purposely made him feel small or unlovable or vulnerable, so why did he have to do that to me? I don’t know where along the line this happened, but it became a game to me to see how many boys could give me the validation I needed. The validation that told me I was capable of being loved, that someone wanted to spend time with me, that anyone could see themselves in a relationship with me.
News flash, I’m almost 21 and still haven’t had a boyfriend. I didn’t win the game.
I’ve had my fair share of casual dates since high school. Perhaps it’s just my taste in men, that I like to pick out the douchey looking ones, or maybe it’s the feeling that I need to hypersexualize myself in order to find a boyfriend, but none have wanted to ever partake in any sort of serious relationship with me. Dating apps suck, and there doesn’t seem to be many genuine guys at Queen’s, so where do I go from here?
My sister has always told me that love finds you when you least expect it. So, I’ve constantly gone in waves of allowing love to find me, to being very desperate for some affection that I’ve redownloaded my dating apps, but they’ve all come to dead ends. [bf_image id="qeyyeh-2acctk-1prxyq"] The past few months, boys on TikTok and in Barstool Sports Instagram comments have really minimized my faith in the male population. The most harmful negative comments seem to find their ways on videos of women just doing normal things, with men making assumptions of these girls simply to put them down. The men out there who like to combat “KAM” with “RAW” terrify me, along with the ones who think it’s funny to only create content that puts down women. To me, if a genuine man was out there for me, he would find his way. After my last “fling” with a boy this summer, who ended things with me because he couldn’t let go of the validation that other girls from his dating apps were giving him, I decided I’d had enough. I was sad when it ended, but I was more sad at the fact that another man had proven to me that I was unworthy of dating. Sure, I bet there are some good ones out there who (at the bare minimum) respect women and are supportive of their girlfriend on all levels, but I’m not going to go out of my way to find someone anymore. The rejection and sadness I feel when another fling ends, reminding me yet again that my taste in men is causing me to feel undateable, just isn’t worth it. The heartbreak I might feel when my first serious relationship ends is also not worth it for me.
So, I’m done pursuing men. If one wants to find their way into my life organically, then sure. But I’m not going to go out of my way anymore to find a sub-par partner and find out later on that they were just really good at masking their racism and misogyny. It’s time to work on myself, learn how to love who I am when I’m alone, and feel proud that I get to date myself for the rest of my life. Besides, if I can’t love myself when I’m alone, how am I going to justify loving anyone else?