In grade 11, my friend Chelsie and I tried to work up the courage to attend a Halloween party that other people would be at. Not exactly fanatics about the whole institution of this holiday, we sat in my mom’s minivan and literally wept at the prospect of going inside.
Looking back at it now, I’ve been able to make sense of our nonsensical meltdown. The thing about Halloween is that it adds a level of performance to socialization that is completely petrifying to those of us who would probably spend the whole day stressing about a party where you just dress normally. Suddenly, you’re expected to arrive in some outfit that physically represents how clever, or funny, or hot or quirky you are. I spent the week leading up to this event agonizing about costumes and how they defined the deepest realm of my metaphysical existence. And when you start trying to define your metaphysical existence, tears in the minivan are a guarantee.
Perhaps I was being dramatic, but just in case I wasn’t, and in case anyone else grapples with this soul-stirring phenomenon, I thought I’d throw together a little list of some of the most popular Halloween costumes, and, of course, how they define your soul.
1. Devil
You are locked and loaded with an Instagram caption that reads, “Angel by day, devil by night.” You are sassy, ruthless and probably look very good in red. At your core, you exude the energy of Blair Waldorf (but not in her Lord Marcus phase, of course).
2. Angel
You are best friends with somebody who would like to dress as a devil. The whole goal of this one is to make it feel like a paradox. Your costume, juxtaposed with the 26 of Smirnoff you’re going to be pictured with, will make you seem dangerously unpredictable. Maybe the devil isn’t the only fallen angel.
3. Meme
This year, my housemate/soulmate dressed up as Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and let me tell you what it says about her soul: she’s really funny. If you dressed up like any kind of meme (especially a Vine), your soul is Extremely Online and probably DMs your friends upwards of 20 tweets a day. Respect.
4. Obscure TV/Movie Character
You’re probably too cool to even have attended this party, but there wasn’t anything trendy on at the Screening Room tonight. Your soul yearns to drink exclusively craft beer (and to tell everyone about it).
5. Something Involving Full Body Paint
It doesn’t matter that your skin is having a moderate to severe allergic reaction; you will be Shrek. Your soul wouldn’t have spent any time weeping in the car pre-party. To you, Halloween is an Olympic sport, and you expect your friends to go out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night so you can showcase the four costumes you have had planned since November 1st of last year.
6. Animal Ears
The greatest victory of the feminist movement (suffrage notwithstanding) is how little effort girls need to put into Halloween. If you want to just dress cute and throw on some cat ears, your soul is woke. The Plastics definitely got one thing right.
7. “Costume” T-Shirt
You’re like, really busy right now. Your friend in the head-to-toe body paint probably won’t let you into the party she’s hosting. It’s okay, you have to head to Stauffer anyway. Your soul says you “totally failed that test” and then gets an A-.
In conclusion, the next time someone tells you to “stop crying” because “Halloween costumes aren’t that serious!” know that they couldn’t be more wrong.