Valentine’s Day is my favourite holiday. No joke. I love it. I am not talking about the capitalist side of the holiday. I do not expect expensive chocolate or a bouquet of heart-shaped balloons. I love how there is an entire day (okay, maybe an entire month because of capitalism) dedicated to love.
Love is often misconstrued in its definition and how it is practised. I love making people do the love languages test, simply because I find it fascinating that everyone is different in how they express and receive love. Personally, when I think of love, I think of my parents. I am lucky enough to have parents who are still married, and they actually have the most beautiful love story.
My parents met in the third grade. They went to the same elementary school that my brothers and I did. My mom was in the English stream; my dad was in French immersion. It was basically like Romeo and Juliet. However, my parents did not start dating until they were 16 years old, and they got married at 29.
Now, I am not going to sugarcoat this story. They broke up for a bit here and there. They went to different schools. My mom moved to New York City. Although there were times they were not together, they still always found their way back to each other.
One thing about my parents’ relationship that I had never really understood was HOW they had stayed together for so long. In a society where every 1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce, I always felt especially grateful that my parents never separated. When I began dating people in high school and in university, I often wondered what tools were needed to make a long-lasting relationship.
So, I asked my mom, “How have you and dad stayed together for so long and still have a healthy relationship?”
My mom looked at me and said one word:
Forgiveness
I want to preface this with the fact that one should not excuse unforgivable behaviour in a relationship: cheating, physical and emotional abuse, and other horrors like those are inexcusable and should be taken very seriously. However, my mom’s use of the word forgiveness in relationships stems from remembering that your partner is only human, and they will screw up. A lot.
Forgetting to take the trash out; making plans with your friends when you forgot you would stay in and watch a movie with your partner; making poor purchases at 3:00am on Amazon because you really thought you needed an igloo-shaped dog bed (a real purchase made by my mother once). People make mistakes, and even with the best intentions we sometimes hurt our partners accidentally. A major component of love is forgiveness, which seems to have been forgotten in the last few years.
My mom has always said that it has been hard staying with one person for the majority of her life. Relationships are not easy. All the love that comes from being with someone also comes with passion, frustration and emotion that makes you feel warm in a different way. An angry way sometimes. And with that anger, you can either think of all the ways your partner has bothered you, or you can ask yourself if they had ill intentions entirely. You can ask yourself if they maybe had a bad day too. It takes a certain maturity in a relationship for one to let things go and forgive rather than leave, and it’s all about fighting for each other the whole way through—or at least that’s what my mom told me.
