I saw this quote the other day that said something along the lines of: you are the main character of your life, stop treating yourself like the supporting act. It made me think about whether I am truly the main character of my life. It seems like it- if I thought about my life as a movie, my thoughts are the voice-over, the plot is my growth as a human being, and there are ups and downs, mess-ups and love stories. But does that really qualify me to star in the movie of my life?
The more I thought about it, the less sure I became. And here’s why.
My thoughts, as personalized and quirky as they get, were not my own. Most of our thoughts aren’t. Think about a time when you were staring in the mirror, picking apart all your flaws- the stretch marks that cream just can’t scrub out, the acne scars after years of picking apart your skin, the uneven hip dips that a thousand squats won’t get rid of, and the thighs that just keep touching! Yes when you’re interacting with your body this way, your thoughts are your thoughts. But then think about how they originated. For me, they originated from Tumblr in the 2000s, from watching Pretty Little Liars and Clueless, from comparing my body to Bella Hadid and Kendall Jenner, and then watching people call models “plus-sized” when they are clearly not. So, when I pick apart myself, the thoughts dominating my insecurities are not my own.
Let’s move on to our personalities, our quirks, and our flaws. When I think about what makes me “un-dateable,” what rises are aspects of my personality that when I brought them up when I was younger, were shut down or teased. We see “weird” TV characters, and movie “best friends,” and we secretly identify more with them than the skinny, white, perfect haired and naturally made up main character who is “quirky,” but still hot. She’s clumsy but poised. She says the wrong thing but people still love her. Compare this main character to yourself. How can this perfectly flawed human, deemed important enough to be the main character, possibly have anything in common with you? You who gets frustrated easily. You who gets red and snotty when you cry. You who says the wrong thing and no one laughs. We have been conditioned to believe that in order to be the main character, you have to earn it. And I don’t think that all of us believe that we have.
What about the movie montage? The part when the main actress gets her shit together- she buckles down and studies and aces her big test. She starts working out and clothes magically fit her. She becomes friendlier and nicer, and boys start to notice. She has the money to shop at malls, and she cleans her room to a Taylor Swift song. Her best friend just watches her and smiles proudly. I don’t know about you guys, but my life has never had a montage. I study, and still do badly sometimes. Sometimes, I workout for months and then stop for months. Either way, I still cry in change rooms sometimes. Sometimes, I twirl and buy the dress. Cleaning my room takes hours and lasts a day. And I compare myself to the people I love and admire even when I see their flaws. Based on this, can I characterize myself as the lead, or am I the best friend who watched her friends mess up perfectly, dress up perfectly, and grab life by the horns?
And the main girl always, always, wins. She wins even when she doesn’t get the guy (a rare occurrence), she wins even when she doesn’t get the scholarship, or into the university of her dreams or the trophy. I have been through all of these things, and I do not feel like a winner. So when I compare her ups and downs to mine, I don’t think I can possibly have anything in common with the main lead cast in every romantic comedy, every coming of age drama, or every chick flick. I don’t feel seen.
And I know I’m not alone so, what can we do about it?
I think one of the first steps for me would be to get rid of the poster girl in my head that thinks that perfection is attainable. We don’t need to be perfect to be the main character of our life. If we wait for perfect, we’ll be waiting all our lives.
And for me, there needs to be an understanding that what we idealize is not what is reality. The friends that we idealize go through the same rough patches as us, but we don’t notice because no one is advertising their tough days. No one is waving their failures, and no one is “winning.” Life doesn’t stop when we find a boy, or pass our finals, or take on the job of our dreams. All those amazing things that we earned are peppered into the mundane beauty of our lives that hopefully, when we look back on, find just as beautiful. Our lives don’t start when we hit those milestones- my life is going on right now, as I write this article, and it will go on when I go to bed, when I miss a deadline, when I misspeak, and when I mess up. I can either confine myself to the backdrop of my life OR I can accept that a real-life main character looks a lot different than one you find in a movie.
Redefine what you call a main character. Make that definition yourself.