All my life, the bar has been set high. I’ve always tried extra hard to excel, to get involved, to be a good big sister, daughter, and friend. I go above and beyond to meet unrealistic expectations that I wouldn’t even expect others to meet, creating nearly impossible standards for myself. I feel pressure to do this, to live up to what I think everybody else wants me to be. And, of course, the pressure is all imagined. Nobody was ever really expecting me to go as far as I do. Nobody but myself set the bar that high.
Recognizing this about myself has been a revelation, a call for reform to myself. I realized that, not only is having such great expectations harmful to myself, it is also harmful to others. Having felt this imagined pressure to always be perfect and always do everything right, puts pressure on those close to me to be the same.
In the wake of these great expectations, I’ve felt an almost natural rise in my anxiety over the past year or so. As the responsibilities of transitioning to adult life start to build up, I start to feel anxiety debilitate me much more than it ever did. Some days, I can’t speak in class because I’m in such a panic. Other times, I can’t bring myself to do my schoolwork because of the stress it’s causing me. And worst of all, the anxiety of school and responsibilities has begun to taint how I take care of myself and my ability to have fun.
But lately, I’ve found it’s time to relax. I’m so much more out of control of my life than I think I am. For me, learning to relax is difficult. I’m used to working on a tight schedule, always feeling very stressed out, to being very conscious of when I’m wasting my time and when I’m not. I’m on exchange right now, which has really allowed me to define what the year looks like. The explicit knowledge of knowing the year is my own has allowed me to direct my focuses in ways that allow me to make time for myself and not take myself too seriously. I let myself sleep in every once in a while now. I go for long walks on the beach until I feel good, not based on time. Self-care in this sense has been about setting myself free of some of the expectations that once bound me and accepting that, by taking care of myself, I can meet the reasonable parts of my expectations for myself quite easily. Everything above that is not worth compromising how I feel.
I’ve also become much more comfortable where I am. I continue to work hard, but I now recognize that good things will come to me without me having to lose myself in stress and anxiety over whatever project, school course, or commitment I’ve taken on. I remind myself that I have so much to be proud of, and I’ve worked hard to put myself on a path where other good things will naturally fall into place for me.
I’m learning to be focused on the present – to forget about past failures, to stop fixating on future deadlines and worries, and to enjoy where I am. I’m focusing on making a conscious effort to instead feel as good as I can, as much as I can, to get the most out of my experiences (especially while I’m on exchange).
I’m not saying don’t shoot for the moon – definitely do. I always do. It’s a healthy part of life to push yourself, and it’s a necessary step for self-growth. In fact, I would be so bored if I didn’t push myself to get out in the world. Just be selective about where you push yourself. Know your limit and take care of yourself first. Accept the failures – they’re going to happen whether you want them to or not. And, cut yourself some slack. You deserve it.