There’s a common perception that long distance relationships rarely last: they can suck the love and longing from the bones of a relationship, leaving the two people involved bitter and empty. Starting university can sometimes feel like The Hunger Games for high school couples, fighting to see who will make it past the first few weeks of separation—some choosing to break it off before the games really begin, and some struggling until the end.
However, when done right, long distance can bring out the beauty of both the relationship and the individuals involved in the relationship, transforming them into independent, emotionally aware beings who are still completely enamoured by each other.
Loneliness is tangled into the telephone wires of long distance relationships. To me, long distance sometimes feels like reaching for the arms of the person you’re in love with, but being held by space and emptiness instead.
This catalyzes emotional independence and maturity. You are forced to be self-reliant, and to find happiness within yourself rather than expecting it solely from a romantic relationship. You have to put yourself back together in tough moments, and be resilient enough to work on a relationship without the instant gratification of positive results.
You also have the awareness that your partner is not in the relationship for physicality or sex. They love you and see you for something deeper than hookups at 2 am—they want you so badly that not even distance can water-down their desires. There is so much comfort in knowing someone’s intentions completely, and long distance guarantees respect and depth above all else.
If couples can make it past the first phase of long distance, which is usually coated in doubt and dipped in newfound desires for freedom, long distance can actually allow a space of reflective growth for couples constructing their post-high school identities. Being surrounded by unfamiliar people and places inevitably triggers homesickness, which can actually be calmed by the knowledge that you have someone in your life who knows your true self and can tether you back into reality.
They become your home, or at least a new version of home.
Change and discomfort demands growth, regardless of how willing you are to change. In this way, long distance can be a source of comfort and feeling at home, even when you feel like no one understands you.
The only way I’ve found to combat the obvious difficulties of long distance is communication, and after three years of doing it, I still haven’t completely figured it out. Those who achieve a successful long distance relationship have to be masters of communication and language, because that’s essentially all you have. There is no touch, no action, and no little things to make you feel close to the other person. You have to figure out how to show your love through just words until the time for action finally comes.
I’ve had so many conversations about how I respond to tone and how I need to be spoken to in order to feel loved and supported that I feel like I could be on Red Table Talk. I’ve learned how some people purely need logic and rationality in order to understand a point, whereas I need emotion and love through language to make me feel seen. New challenges will arise often, and communication methods need to shape and mould to fit unexpected situations. I’m often frustrated with this concept, but definitely more patient with both myself and others.
If couples can make it through long distance, they will understand each other on a deeply intimate level – one that isn’t reliant on touch or sex, but on appreciation and insight into their spirit. Long distance has made me fall deeply in love, and deeply in tune with myself. There is so much beauty in long distance relationships that are too often disregarded because of fixation on the negative aspects of not being physically close to your partner.
Long distance isn’t impossible. It’s beautiful, messy, sometimes lonely, deeply fulfilling, and completely achievable when there is unconditional love and commitment. It’s poetry in motion, for those who choose to see it.