Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” era is easily one of my favorite pop culture moments. As the Y2K aesthetic surged back into popular style and trends, Ari dropped the “thank u, next” music video, laden with references to beloved early-2000s chick flicks and promoted the song with endearingly messy performances on talk shows. Spontaneously bursting into tears or tripping during choreography while performing, she traded her immaculate image of pop perfection and vocal virtuosity for a new, more relatable brand – one which celebrated emotional vulnerability and authenticity.
Though it was overshadowed by more explosive singles like the unapologetically indulgent “7 rings”, or the sensually laidback “imagine,” I consider track 2 – “needy” one of the album’s highlights.
If the flood of Instagram captions was any indication, most people related to the playful and irreverent lyrics that named both the song and the album: “thank u, next.” Meanwhile, I was convinced that her lyrics to “needy” – featuring standouts such as “I’m obsessive and I love too hard / Good at overthinking with my heart” and a chorus that repeats “I can be needy, way too damn needy” – were written for me.
In a cultural moment where nonchalance is worn like a badge of pride and everyone’s competing to be the most unbothered, it’s a powerful statement to own your needs.
It can be easy to second-guess or deny our needs. Like Amy Dunne says in Gillian Flynn’s iconic “Cool Girl” monologue, “Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want.” With a cultural attitude like that, owning your needs can feel like an admission of weakness.
But if Ari can do it, so can we.
At first, owning my needs felt uncomfortable, like I was trading my identity and individualism for absorption into a stereotype that paints women as over-emotional, clingy, or otherwise “crazy.” Experiences with unavailable partners in the past had me questioning whether my expectations were unrealistic or unnecessarily demanding. I wasn’t sure what I was seeking in relationships and I was just as unsure of how to voice these needs. I had to reconcile that having needs doesn’t mean being “needy” – everyone has needs. It’s not crazy to seek affirmation, it’s human.
I’m surprised at how much of owning our needs can be in communicating them. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that I can’t expect other people to read my mind. I am honest with myself and I am honest with others. I know that I am someone who needs to be reciprocated with enthusiasm and consistency in order to feel secure.
This isn’t to say I am inflexible or demanding, expecting others to accommodate me without any self-reflection or attempts at positive change on my part. An integral part of honoring my needs is gently unpacking them. I recognize that expectations like honesty and effort are realistic and that a desire for affirmation is natural and human. When I feel anxious without constant reassurance or when I let my insecurity convince me that a single disagreement spells the end of a relationship, I question the experiences and beliefs which give rise to these thoughts and behaviours. It’s an open, exploratory process, grounded in self-compassion and directed towards a continuous, steady progress of healing. I do not judge myself and berate myself for being “crazy” or “too much.”
Instead, I am generous and gentle with myself. I give myself patience, understanding, and forgiveness for not doing better when I didn’t know better. I sit with the difficult feelings and work through them. I challenge the misleading and anxiety-inducing beliefs and replace them with healthy, balanced perspectives. I nurture a robust and stable self-worth and self-reliance so I do not depend upon others for security and validation. As I heal myself, I find it easy to extend others the same patience, understanding, and forgiveness.
The wounds of my past aren’t my fault, but their healing is my responsibility.
Understanding my needs – the experiences and beliefs that underscore them, how to communicate them, how to meet them – has empowered me to enjoy the healthiest relationships of my life.
By understanding and meeting my own needs, I can enjoy my relationships without controlling them. I love my friends for who they are, not for who I want or need them to be. I can appreciate my relationships – friendly, romantic, and everything in between – for what they are instead of imposing demands or forcing them. I can tolerate disagreement and fluctuations in my relationships without overthinking and catastrophizing.
Some people can’t meet my needs, and I don’t fault them for that. I don’t take it personally, and I don’t hold it against them. I also know that I don’t have to stay in relationships with these people and let my feelings for them convince me to tolerate behaviour I wouldn’t accept otherwise.
The confident and self-reliant person I am now is a far cry from the person I was in February 2019 when Ari first dropped “needy,” but honouring my needs is still an ongoing work-in-progress. I love, know, and respect myself enough to assert my boundaries and communicate my expectations. I love, know, and respect others well enough to understand them and appreciate them for who they are. Choosing to honour my needs is still something I have to work on every day, but the peace I feel now assures me it’s worth it.
I will forever love “needy” and keep it in my playlists, but I think I finally relate to thank u, next –
I’ve got so much love, got so much patience,
And I’ve learned from the pain and turned out amazing.